The official JOKES thread (keep it clean, read 1st post)

[markie]

edit by JDA on June 18, 2004

Keep your jokes clean. Please no racist, sexist, or other type of demeaning jokes about other people. The Moderators have the right to censor any joke we find inappropriate. Keep in mind that a large portion of the viewers to this site are under 16 years old, so lets keep it clean for them. If you have a complain about us censoring a joke you posted, please PM the mod that censored it.

NOTE TO MODS: If you are going to censor any joke make sure you post your name

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edit by vunsin on May 22, 2004:
This is now the official JOKES thread. In the future, please post short jokes like those in this thread in here. There's no need to start a new thread everytime you wish to share a joke, because otherwise there would be threads everywhere with just a few replies like, "Haha... This is funny..." all over the place. If you're posting a game, quiz, or something that would generate discussion, by all means please start a new thread. Thank you.
--------------------

Share your jokes/funny story with everyone.

Here is one, no offense to anyone ok?!!

Names

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in,
he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck,"
he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to
the cowboy, "What's the name of your love tool?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.
All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of
your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the
bar calls his Snickers, because 'It Really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender
tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left,
who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the
name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella
proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on
his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and
says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man
turns to him and proudly exclaims,"FORD,
because Quality is Job One." Then he adds,
"Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for
a moment before he comes up with a name for
his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender
and exclaims, "The name of my male member is
'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a
beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why
Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG
ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR
A WOMAN!"

[babyxv]

HAHAHHA HOW CLEVERRR OMG here's a joke.. it's not as funny as the gay bar one but oh well

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[LiLxAmMiE]

OK, this is kinda sick, but the condome joke has already did enough...
anyway, there's this man named Harder and a woman were having sex *clears throat* then the woman went to the bathroom and Harder thought she was still there though. Then the woman call HARDER, HARDER from the bathroom. (calling him, not telling him to harder) but, Harder thought she told him to do it harder, so he tried harder! " i'm trying to, i'm trying to!" :p

[lepencil]

I have this feeling that I'll be monitoring this place often. :D

Hmm, am I right to say that most jokes = dirty jokes?

~lepencil

[-dream-]

yah, lepencil is right, as funny as those jokes seem, they are surely very dirty...personally, i feel that though they are somewhat entertaining, it's um....unhealthy....well, it's just my opinion...but then, how many real funny jokes are not dirty out there... :oops:

[linny]

The problem with funny jokes is they're either dirty, rude, or discriminating in some way. Otherwise, they're corny.

*sigh* Oh well. I look to the "Funny Posts by the Members of Jay-chou.net" to get all of my laughs. The stuff people come up with... :D

[cystaltears]

k i got dis one from my frd..itz reallie reallie sick..so if u cant take it then dont read it~

k once there were 3 homeless men..they came by a house owned by a woman who likes sex...they all asked her if she could provide them food and shelter...the woman told them she can let them stay and provide the food if only they have sex with her..the first 2 men said no way...but the thrid man said ok...so the woman brought him to her house...and then the man went up stairs wif her...and told her to put a blindfold on..so it would be more exciting..so the woman did..then he went down to the fridge and found some sasuages..and den know wat happens ;)....when he was done he threw the sauages ooutside the window...the next day he was leaving..and when he went outside he found the other 2 men sleeping on the grass...the 2 men said to him..."thx for the delicious sasuages...great seasoning too~!"

k i noe that is pretty disgusting..but yea...i dun find it funni i find it digusting..lol

[babyxv]

i learned in drama that things are funny because the stuff we laugh about make us feel uncomfortable. and uh.. yeah dirty stuff makes us uncomfortable so naturally we laugh :p

[jayx8318x]

OK since we're heading in that direction, here's my contribution:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja.php

It's a cyber sex chat log...I was LMAO with the rhinoceros one.


-----------------------------------------------------------
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

eminemBNJA: damn I
gotta write down your names or

something

[babyxv]

HAHAHAH the rhino one and the last one.. so funny. are they actual conversations?

[cystaltears]

LMAO...boy dat cyber convo was reallie funni...i dun fink itz real...or is it? lol...itz funni yet gay..lol..gave me a good laugh~

[cici bebe]

Geez where do you find strange people like this! :D :D :D

[Suede]

Well, mine contribution is a little racisit. Hope nobody minds. Think many of u may have seen it from the internet. That was where i got it.

Anyway.. 3 guys, 1 american, 1 jap and 1 indian were in a sauna one day.

Half way through, there was a beeping sound and the american lifted his forearm and said he has got a beeper device installed in him.

5 min later, they all heard a phone ringing. The Jap guy lifted his palm to his ears and said he has a phone installed in his arm.

Feeling left out, the indian guy went to the toilet to clear his bowels. When he came back, he did not realise that he still had a piece of toilet paper stuck on his butt.

When the American and Jap saw it, they asked him whats that? Sensing the chance to level it up with the guys, the Indian said "Well, i'm receiving a fax"

[Miss_gun]

>Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son,
>Aloysius .........
>
>Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
>PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose
>with your finger mah !
>
>Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
>PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel
>better than your finger, right ?
>
>Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
>PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig
>your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
>
>Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
>PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use
>your blain, use your blainnn ..........
>
>Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making
>love ?
>PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on
>your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
>
>Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
>PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......... you go and
>dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
>
>Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
>PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the best one..I luv this joke!! PCK rulez!!

[nunchakus]

LOL...this thread totally cracked me up. Especially the bloodninja one. :D That was hilarious!

Y.S. That was a pretty good analogy. :D For those who don't know, PCK stands for Phua Chu Kang. It is a local sitcom and PCK is an uncouth house contractor who speaks in extreme Singlish. However, after the government openly told him to change his ways (I am not kidding, the Prime Minister really brought this issue up during one of those parliamentary speeches), PCK has since cleaned up his act and is speaking in better English.

[-dream-]

Lol, those were really funny, especially Y.S and Karen's...haha rhino... :D

[ashley]

In conjunction of World telecommunication Day.

EDIT: I'm sorry , there was supposed to be a cartoon clip here. It's gone now.

[Jo]

OK since we're heading in that direction, here's my contribution:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja.php

It's a cyber sex chat log...I was LMAO with the rhinoceros one.



-laughs so hard he kicks his chair backwards and falls out the window-

and this one

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/cyber.php

LMAO


-Jo

[cici bebe]

Y.S. yours was great.. I'm going to say that to my children and grandchildren one day.. :D

[Jo]

at that site Karen showed

i also found this

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bushmail.html#

LMAO

-Jo

[Miss_gun]

nunchakus: Serious? The PM atcually said so?
THis is ...wow...no kidding.
Ok...the link that Jo posted is seriously funny!!!
:D:D:D

To Cici bebe: Tell your grandchildren? Ok..that's good too. Some Sex education..hehehe:D

[nunchakus]

nunchakus: Serious? The PM atcually said so?
THis is ...wow...no kidding.
Ok...the link that Jo posted is seriously funny!!!
:D:D:D



Either the PM or one of the ministers. I'm quite sure one of them did, anyway. That's why, now PCK does not use the words "Don't pray pray"/"use you bLain" much, anymore. And he always makes an effort to speak in good english, albeit singaporean-accented. heheh.

And I read Jo's link...haha it was hilarious. :) Somehow it reminded me how much I wanna watch Bruce Almighty when it opens in Singapore. :D

[markie]

* The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only
ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


* A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get
to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to
hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


* A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The
teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."


* A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor"
thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a
beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)answered,"Thou shall not
kill."


* One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you
do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


* The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher. She's dead."


* A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on
my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[zhy378]

I bet i have the best jokes. hehe j/k :wink2:
Here's a blonde joke- There's this blonde lady who everyday go out in the middle of a field and practice her canoeing. well, one day another blonde lady #2 was drivin her car and passed by the same field and saw the blonde lady #1 canoein. So blonde lady#2 stops her car, went to the edge of the field and shouted to blonde lady #1 "YOU ARE THE KINDS WHO GIVES US BLONDES A BAD NAME, IF I KNOW HOW TO SWIM, I'LL SLAP U".
-------------
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
--------------------------------------
Animals have the darndest thoughts.

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't
think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish
flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW
whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for

dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am
lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
------------------------

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." ."No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
--------------------------------------------------
A group of men were sitting around a pool at a very expensive men's club. A cell-phone rang and a man picked it up. A woman's voice came through the phone, "Honey, I'm at the mall. I'm looking at this great pair of shoes, do you mind if I buy them?" "How much do they cost," the man replied. The woman answered him saying, "Only $250!" "Well I supose you can get them. Is that all?" the man asked her. "Um... no, I also saw a wonderful mink coat and I was wondering..." "How much does it cost?" the man asked interupting her. "Not that much, only $2,100," she replied. "I guess you can get it then." the man said. "Oh honey you're so nice to me. Only a couple more questions." the woman said. "First, I went I went to the Mercadies dealership and I saw

a car I had to have, w
e could trade in the BMW we got last year!" "I guess I wouldn't mind a new car, you can get it." "Also, I saw this house with a tennis court, an indoor and an outdoor pool, and it's right on a lake. Can I get it, please!!" She pleaded. "If you really want it that badly, I supose you can get it." The man replied. "Oh thank you honey, you are so kind to me!" And she hung up. The man turned off the cell-phone, held it up and said, "Is this anybody's phone?"
--------------------

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age 5 and Ryan, age 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can eat when he is finished.'

So Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
---

[ashley]

:)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[jessca]

They are all really funny! :laughing:

And thanks ashley...although im a bit young to be told by relatives that I should be married, I am now prepared if they do!

These jokes are kinda shocking on women, blondes especially, but they are funny because we know its true and we dont mind living up to our reputation if it means we can go spend our boyfriend's / father's money!

[sUm^MeR]

Okay here's mine... I got it from e-mail. It's not dirty or anything so I might think of putting it.A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone
who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid,
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and
shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps,
followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?" answers the maid.

"Uh... is this 832-4821?"

[beach gurl]

----- Where is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their
parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons
were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The
elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a
huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.

So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed
and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet,
slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"



**********************************************


Burglar and an Elderly Woman


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"


*********************************************


Three in a Tornado


A Wiccan, a Christian, and an atheist are walking casually down a street,
talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner when they spot a tornado
headed straight for them.

The Wiccan outstretches her arms to the sky and says frantically, "O Lord
and Lady!"

The Christian falls hard to his knees, "O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me!"

The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh
nooooooo!"


********************************************


Don't Step on the Ducks


Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on
the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter
chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly
woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
guy.

The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall,
tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying
a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?"

She says, "I
don't know about you, but I stepped on


a duck!"

[jessca]

Very funny.... :laughing:


The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh
nooooooo!"

In real life, even athiests turn to God for help when they realise they are in big trouble...sorry, i know this is the jokes thread but I thought itd just make a point...hehe....

[nunchakus]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. In fact,
we do not even have a chicken.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's
capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or
against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.

KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing
the road ....

SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so.
It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.

PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road. In fact
I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked
for it

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt
accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a
dreamer - but its not the only hen.

MICHAEL JACKSON
There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your bed with a chicken.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.

ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not
bigger than this club.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

[jessca]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.
:laughing:

ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not
bigger than this club.
:dry:

Where do you get them?

[babyxv]

lol nunchakus- did you find it from http://chickenjoke.com? it's so hilarious even though i don't know all the people

[nunchakus]

:D Glad you all got some smiles/laughs out of it. I actually copied and pasted it. My friend forwarded it to me, through email. I didn't know all the people too, but those whom I did, I found them pretty funny. Heheh.

[sUm^MeR]

Oh wow, I love to read this thread. It makes me giggle all the time. I'm boed with my job, so here are some things I found in my e-mail:

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if yourfather-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...

If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Save water. Shower with your girl friend.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Children in back-seats cause accidents,
Accidents in back-seats cause children.

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk?

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

============================================
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven. I want the men to form two lines. Make one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, there's much movement, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" He turns to the man and says, "Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

===========================================
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guiness, Wine Coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poke
r, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead


anyhow."
"You into drugs?" the guy said.
"Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooohh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
========================================
A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon.He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night.

They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the
grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.

When the man gets home about 9:30 pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home."

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

[nino]

alright, all are very funny...brightened up my night. here's mine:
a mother-in-law goes over to her son's house to find her daughter-in-law naked. the mother-in-law asks why the daughter-in-law is naked. the daughter in law answers, " this is my love dress, i'm waiting for your son." the mother-in-law goes home and also undresses. she waits until her husband gets to the door and opens it to surprise him. "Whats that?" he asks. "This is my love dress," she answers. "Well it needs a little ironing!"

this is the funniest joke i could think of....enjoy

[OLive_aNN]

Why Worry?

There are only two things in life to worry about:

Whether you are well
or whether you are sick.

If you are well,
then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick,
there are only two things to worry about

Whether you are going to get well
or whether you are going to die.

If you get well,
then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die,
there are only two things to worry about:

Whether you are going to go to heaven
or whether you are going to go to hell.

If you go to heaven,
then you have nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends,
that you won't have time to worry!

So, Why Worry?

Be Happy

[wackycashew]

here's a joke my friend forwarded me a little while ago... :bleh:

有一次回國內，在酒店看電視，電視正放影著一齣電影，看到電影中兩句對白的中文字幕，笑到我反 肚。

女演員﹕ “Are you kidding?”
男演員﹕ “No, I’m serious.”

字幕﹕
女演員﹕「你是杰丁﹖」
男演員﹕「不，我是斯維爾。」

Translation:
One time when I went back to China, I was watching TV in the hotel. There was a movie showing on TV. When I saw the Chinese subtitles for these 2 lines, my stomach flipped from laughing.

Actress: "Are you kidding?"
Actor: "No, I'm serious."

Subtitles:
Actress: "Are you Kidding?"
Actor: "No, I'm Serious."

whoever did the translation thought that “kidding” and “serious” were names of people?!?! *roflmao* :laughing:

[sUm^MeR]

A joke I got from another forum:

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.

He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"


==============

Little Jenna walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demanded Jenna. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up." Jenna thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenna," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

"Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenna asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

"Darling,"her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenna told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenna sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know howmuch you weigh!" said Jenna. "You weigh 135 pounds."

"Jenna, where did you learn this?", her mother asked.

Jenna just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenna replied, "Because you got an F in sèx!"

[gr8t_gal]

Got this from FWD: email...

Duck Hunting Out Of Court Settlement -- The Sask Way:

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[beach gurl]

A likely scenario when ordering from Pizza Hut in the near future...
So scarrrryy....
_____

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17
Wood Avenue. Your home number is 40942366, your office 7645 2302 and
your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system, Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week, Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family siz ones then, how
much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October
last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing loan, Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can
always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What ?!"
Operator : "According to the details in system , you own a Scooter,
...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: .... [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would, Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic....... "

=============================================

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia ........

He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's
coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him &
started a casual conversation.

Malaysian: "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"

Singaporean: "Of course."

Malaysian: "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The Crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell
them across to Singapore. "The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while
the Singaporean listened in silence.

Malaysian: "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"

Singaporean: "Of course."

Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a
container, recycle them, transform them into jam,.....before we sell it
across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"

Malaysian: "Why, of course we do"

Singaporean: "Do you wear protection"

Malaysian: "Of course! We wear condoms."

Singaporean:


"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Malaysian: "We throw them away, of course."

Singaporean: "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in
a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them
across to Malaysia, & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in
Singapore."

[gr8t_gal]

DimWits:
(These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Toursim Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. Amusing especially the Vienna Boys' Choir one. )

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year >round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Sparkling_Jade]

muahahhaaahahaa, these jokes are so funny, thank you guys for posting!

i´ve got one:

Once upon a time, there was a small braincell lingering in the brains of a guy.

It was very dark and cold, so he called out, hoping to get some company: "hello? anybody here?"

There was no answer and the tiny braincell kept walking a bit further... he was starting to get a bit worried, and this time, he called out a bit more loudly:"hello? anybody here?"

Still, there was no answer, and his voice echoed back to him.

This time he was really getting scared, was he really all alone in a place like this?

So, he decided to gather all his courage, and shouted at the top of his lungs:" HELLO??? IS THERE REALLY NOBODY HERE???"

After a short while, he heard a distant voice under him:"hey, what are you doing all the way up there? were all down here, dude!"


i thought this was pretty funny when i heard it from my friend :) hope non of you guys got offended by it.
its actually a pretty gd way to test a guy by telling him this joke, if he laughs at it, it shows that he has got a sense of humor bout stuff like this! :happy:

[beach gurl]

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
>
> He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
>
> The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
>
> He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>
> The bank's president and it's officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan..
>
> An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
>
> The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Miss_gun]

OMg..I loves jokes that was posted by beach_gurl!!
So funny!!!

That pizza huts one!!

[Jerria]

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
hahahha...hahahhaha...ahahhahahahahaha...help me i cant stop laughing!!!!!
**fallin off the chair, still laughin and laughin**
**come back up** Man, u guys are soo funny...i want to read more :)

hey i got this one from the internet....hope u guys like it:

Actual Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

[gr8t_gal]

beach gurl, seems like u've got alot of good ones... :) Do u have any more? Coz' i like to share with u ar (^.^ I collect em' ar).

[beach gurl]

beach gurl, seems like u've got alot of good ones... :) Do u have any more? Coz' i like to share with u ar (^.^ I collect em' ar).

Heh, I love this thread. Usually post as soon as I got good ones, unfortunately some is in the local language or a bit vulgar - which of course I won't post here. :bleh:

[E-Ping]

One day, a husband and his wife consult a dentist.

Wife:I'm getting late,doc.Anaesthetic is not needed.Just pull it out as quick as possible.
Doctor:Oh..you're a brave woman.Come,show me your teeth.

The wife turns to her husband and says:Open your mouth, honey...Show ur teeth to the doc..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

Tommy dials his home number and his maid answers the phone.

Tommy:Maria,is my wife home?
Maria:She's upstairs....with her boyfriend.
Tommy:Okay..go to my study room,take out the gun.And then go upstairs and shoot both of them.
Maria:Alright,sir.

The maid returns 5 minutes later.
Maria:Both of them are dead,sir.What should i do now?
Tommy:Just throw their bodies into the swimming pool.I'll take care of it when i reach home.
Maria:But sir..there is no swimming pool in our house.
Tommy:Eh!This isn't 5551234??

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

Jack and Ginny had been waiting to adopt a baby for a long time.Finally, they were called by the adoption centre and told that they could adopt a cute baby Italian girl.They were thrilled and quickly took her home.
That night, they went to a language centre to enrol for Italian classes.The clerk asked them why they wanted to learn Italian.The two of them answered proudly,"Well, you see, we've just adopted an Italian baby, and in a year or so she will start to talk and we want to be able to understand her!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

A woman visited the San Diego zoo.She saw the biggest elephant she had ever seen in her whole life.It was so huge that it practically blocked everything in view.
The next week, she brought her children to see the enormous elephant.However,she found out that it had just died.A young zoo worker was sitting and crying beside the dead animal.
'You must have loved the elephant very much,'said the woman.
'No,' sobbed the young man, 'I've been given the job of burying it!'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

A man driving in the countryside stopped to have a rest.Then he saw a farmer standing in the middle of the field.The farmer was looking blankly around doing nothing, just standing there out in the field.Curious, the man walked up to the farmer and asked what he was doing.
'I'm trying to win the Nobel Prize,' explained the farmer.
'How are you going to do that?' asked the man, confused.
'Well, I've been told that they award the Nobel Prize to those who're outstanding in their field,' answered the farmer.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

A couple were driving back to their hometown in the countryside one morning.The journey had been extremely quiet for more than three hours because they had an argument earlier in the morning.While passing a farm with many animals such as cows,pigs,goats and chickens, the irritated husband suddenly turned to the wife and remarked,'A family of yours?' 'Yes,' came the reply and the wife sarcastically added, 'My in-laws, you know'.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

P/s:The first and second joke were originally in Malay.I have traslated them into English...yea..my traslations kinda suck!I know that.. :dry:

[gr8t_gal]

Have you ever wondered?...........................
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."
Have you ever wondered?...........................
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Have you ever wondered?...........................
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Have you ever wondered?...........................
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Have you ever wondered?...........................
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

....Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

....If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

....Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(Yay! \ ^v^ / I luv all of u's guys humourous stuff! LOL! I couldn't stop laughing i nearly fell off my chair :laughing: )

[cici bebe]

That made me think.. :laughing: MORE! :D I love putting this as my away message on AIM.....

[vunsin]

28 Ways To Know You're Chinese

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).

2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

5. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.

7. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take everytime you stay in a hotel.

8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.

9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.

10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman/discman/MP3 Player, if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they're fresh.

17. You never call your parents just to say hi.

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese).

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

21. You always cook too much.

22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics, computers.

25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.

28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.

-----

New Office Policy

To: All Employees
From: Management
Effective: Immediately (or sooner)

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early
, provided your share of
the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the
stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure; fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input, should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Management

-----

Pick-up Lines and Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

-----

A woman’s guide to men
THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MEN IS REALLY SAYING WHEN HE SAYS...

(in any situation)
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired

(on a one-on-one situation)
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

(in a group)
Anyone want to go eat? = I want to go eat
Who wants to see this movie? = Do we have to see this movie?
Who wants to see this movie? = Doesn't anyone else want to see this movie?

What's wrong? = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = Oh no! Not again!
What's wrong? = WHAT IS IT NOW?
What's wrong? = Quit whining!
What's wrong? = Oh god of all creatures big and small, please don't let it be a long one!
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Yes dear = Bitch!
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love y
ou too = Now why did you have to say that, it makes my stomach turn.

(answering to her "Did you think that girl was pretty" question)
She was all right = If an elephant came into the room, would I not see it?

Sure, let's go see that play
= I don't want to go, but you'll make my life miserable if I don't go.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
= I liked it better before.
= 50 bucks and it doesn't look that much different!
= For 50 bucks they should have given you more hair instead of taking some away.

Let's talk
= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Hello, FTD? I'd like to send some flowers to my girlfriend/wife...
= This ought to shut her up for a while at the expense of some humiliation from my male peers.
= This ought to secure sex with her tonight!

(while shopping)
I like that one better = pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

(suicide) Will you marry me?
= I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
= I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
= I don't want to have "talks" over the phone anymore.

-----

One for the Girls

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What is the one thing that


all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What did God say after creating man?
"I must be able to do better than that."

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

-----

Men Jokes

How many men jokes are there?
None, they're all true.

How many men jokes are there?
About half the population.

Man: Great concept, bad engineering.

Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy?
Is there any other kind?

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

Q: What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Q: What do you say to a kind, nice guy who knows how to make a woman smile?
A: so, how long have you known you were gay?

Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.

Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.

What do you do when you best friend runs away with you husband?
Send her a thank you card.

When a woman steals your man, what better revenge is there than to let her keep him?

Men can't count.
How many times has he asked for "just one more chance"?

What do you call a really smart man?
A two-penis genetic accident.

What do smart men do at the M&M factory?
Proofread.

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything.
B. One - men will screw up anything.
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.

Q: Why look most men puzzled?
A: Because of their Y (why) chromosome.

Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Why are men the best basket players?
...play with balls... dribble... dunk. Need I say more?

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once.

Q: Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
A: The woman gets it right the first time.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Man: why do men only think of sex all the time and women don't?
Woman: because women can think of more than one thing at a time.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn
into men when they get drunk!

What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Why do men call women birds?
Because of all the worms we pick up.

Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads?
Themselves.

What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.

When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.

What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

It's not true that married women live longer than single women.
It only seems longer.

Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now.

I married Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. After that, she's finished.

-----

Men are like...

Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like irons....
they leave stains whenever they get too hot.

Men are like placemats....
they only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara....
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets....
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like copiers....
you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps....
fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts....
without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels....
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons....
they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts....
if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

-----

LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY

01.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
02.What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
03.If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
04.Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
05.Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
06.Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
07.Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
08.Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
09.Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10.Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11.If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12.The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directi


ons.
13.If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him, check books.
14.Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15.Sadly, all men are created equal.

Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy.

-----

Chocolate better than sex?

01. You can GET chocolate.
02. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
03. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
04. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
05. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
06. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
07. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
08. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
09. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.


Note: Sorry if I've offended any guys with the men jokes. I got them when I was dumped by the guy I was seeing for one of my best friends who was 4'10" and weighed 160lbs.

[gr8t_gal]

LOL!!!!! THat is such a crack-up!!!!!! :D Yay! I've got more on my FWD:Attachment collection! Yay! Thanx guys!
\ ^v^ /

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas, no offence to any texas ppl)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[shouling]

i got this in a e-mail. ithought it was pretty funny.

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python
weally gives a thit."

[gr8t_gal]

:laughing: Yay! \ ^v^ /! More! More!

Subject: Blonde joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax... Let's have a nice cup of coffee, and then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

(Note: Do not take this seriously. I know that not all blondes are as ditzy as this)

[jessca]

Ive heard the one that gr8_gal posted, but it referred to David Beckham!

Heres some Posh and Becks ones that are funny. No offence to their fans out there but we know they likes them too hehe...
David goes shopping in Harvey Nicks (posh expensive department store) and a salesman approaches him to see if he was interested in a thermal flask. When he asked him what it could do, he was amazed to hear it could keep hot things hot and cold things cold. So he bought it. The next day at training, young Rooney goes up to his skipper and asks him what he had in his hands. Becks said proudly, 'Its a thermal flask. It keep cold things cold and hot things hot." Rooney was amazed and asked him what was in it. "Two ice lollies and one cup of coffee" was the reply.

(This was actually on live national TV when the Beckhams did an interview with Ali G for charity)
Interviewer: So hows your boy doing? Is he managing his words?
Posh: Yes, hes doing fine. Hes stringing his words together to make sentences.
Interviewer: What about Brooklyn?

Interviewer: When Brooklyn grows up, do you want him to be a footballer like his father, or a singer, like Mariah Carey?

---

Im sure ive posted this here before but heres some more of what vunsin posted.

100 Ways To Tell If You Are Chinese
1. You don't order sweet and sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a Chinese restaurant.
2. You have a pager, even though you don't really need it.
3. You have a cellular phone, even though you don't really need it.
4. You drive a Honda, probably lowered and with custom rims.
5. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging on your rear-view mirror.
6. You like to eat chicken feet.
7. You suck on fish heads and fish fins.
8. You live at your parents house, and not claimed as a dependent by them.
9. You only buy used cars.
10. You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room.
11. You sing Karaoke.
12. You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway and other heavy foot-traffic areas.
13. You have a fascination for ‘expensive’ technology if you are male.
14. You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more.
15. You eat family dinners with the TV on.
16. You try your hardest to get 888 888 as your phone number.
17. You try your hardest to get "8888" on your license plate.
18. You can't bear to throw away things.
19. You hate (or your parents hate you) getting B's.
20. Your house smells like preserved fish.
21. Your house smells like Chinese medicine.
22. You have about 12-20 uncles and aunts.
23. You've never kissed or hugged your mom or dad.
24. Your wife or mother cuts your hair.
25. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
26. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses".
27. You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.
28. You had a bowl cut before.
29. Your mum says you’re wasteful.
30. If you lose a pound, you dwell upon it for more then 5 minutes.
31. Your parents own a restaurant, grocery store, or dry cleaner.
32. If you are overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you are undercharged, you go your merry way.
33. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
34. You get a rush from getting a good deal.
35. You'll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. ("£5 for that car!")
36. You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
37. You love to use coupons.
38. You drive around looking for the cheapest petrol.
39. You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange juice from concentrate.
40. You'll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin.
41. You take showers at night.
42. You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
43. You'll learn about sex from someone other then your parents.
44. You'll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required to produce you and your siblings.
45. You'v


e never seen your parents kiss or hug.
46. You spend six months researching a £20 purchase.
47. Your grandmother lives with you and your family.
48. You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies.
49. You tip 15% or less.
50. You never order dessert at restaurants.
51. You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping.
52. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
53. You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
54. You want your pound back from the friend who borrowed it right away.
55. You get the runs when you drink lots of milk.
56. Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male.
57. You speak "Chinglish", which is 40% Chinese, 40% English, and 20% grunts
58. Sanrio means a lot to you if you are female.
59. Your fridge stinks.
60. Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18.
61. Your parents want to live with you when they are old.
62. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
63. You point to your nose when referring to yourself.
64. You say "Aiya!" and "Wah!" frequently.
65. You lie about your kids' ages when going to a movie or amusement park.
66. You lie about your age to get a senior citizen's discount.
67. You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable.
68. You love Casinos, slot machines, and blackjack.
69. You love to play Mahjong and Chor Dai Dee.
70. You live like you don't have a penny to your name.
71. Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home. ("Faan nei lah?")
72. You get a knuckle in your skull if you are being punished by your parents.
73. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your parents.
74. You always hear about how great so-and-so's son or daughter is.
75. Your parents wish you would give 30% of your income to them.
76. Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the long feather duster ("Gay Mo So")
77. You can use the words "chink" and "Chinaman" with impunity.
78. Your clothes smell like fried foods.
79. You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions.
80. You hate eating cheese.
81. You can’t hold your alcohol.
82. You enjoy listening to sappy Hong Kong pop music.
83. You don't mind working on Christmas, and New Year's Day.
84. You are a Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer.
85. The only High School team you were on was the chess club.
86. You don't mind getting bad service, since you can justifiably tip less.
87. You don't mind a 6 hour layover in Vancouver when flying from LA to DC so you can get the cheapest flight.
88. Your mom likes to load up on extra napkins, ketchup, and airline peanuts.
89. You like to wash plastic utensils and reuse them.
90. You lived in the back of your parents' grocery store.
91. You don't like to leave messages on answering machines.
92. When picking up someone at the airport, you park outside of baggage claim in the tow-away-zone to avoid pay parking.
93. You brush your teeth right when you wake up, before you eat breakfast.
94. You love to keep your inorganic electronic things fresh by keeping them in plastic wrap and bags; including remote controls, stereo equipment, keyboards.
95. Your mothers idea of a light meal consists of 8 courses.
96. You enjoy the after dinner toothpick.
97. Your parents were in some pretty dumb sounding organisations, e.g. C.C.A (Chinese Citizen's Alliance).
98. You get up from your seat and grab your hand carry luggage way before the plane has come to a complete stop. (Same for a boat, you stand at the exit door and wait about 10 minutes before the dock is reached)
99. Your mom makes "hocking" noises and embarrasses you when you have your white friends over.
100. When you go to China and have family dinner, your relatives order some form of rodent and try to convince you it's fish

[vunsin]

jessca's 100 ways would apply more to foreign born Chinese or overseas Chinese. My 28 ways would apply more to Southeast Asian Chinese.

Here's another joke: (source: http://www.funs.co.uk/)

What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[shouling]

my dad sent me this one.....goes to show how strange my family is huh?

Communication

There was this English gentleman whose wife was foreign and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > (Please scroll the page down)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo!! Her husband speaks English!!!!!

[Squall]

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.
Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.
Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian (chuckling) : "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore."
This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"
Malaysian : "Why, of course we do"
Singaporean : "Do you wear protection?"
Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "We throw them away, of course." Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia, & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."

[gr8t_gal]

:laughing: I think that's already been posted Squall LH, though brings back funny memory :laughing:

[Squall]

> > > How many men does it take to open a beer?
> > > None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> > >
> > > Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
> > > probably never be able to support you.
> > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> > > It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
> > > stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> > > When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > How do you fix a woman's watch?
> > > You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Why do men break wind more than women?
> > > Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> > > pressure.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
> > > at the front door, who do you let in first?
> > > The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> > > A woman who won't do what she's told.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
> > > Always.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
> > > drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Why do men die before their wives?
> > > They want to.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
> > > street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
> > > sexy.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> > > Then God created Man and rested.
> > > Then God created Woman.
> > > Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select
> > > few women who can handle the truth...

[jessca]

> > > Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select
> > > few women who can handle the truth...

Hehe..posting this in a forum which is kind of dominated by women isnt a wise thing to do hehe... :laughing:

Thanks for sharing though... we can be comforted by the fact there are millions similar which refer to the behaviour of men... :wink2: joking...hehe....

[vunsin]

source: http://www.lifeisajoke.com/miscellaneous40_html.htm

50 FUN THINGS TO DO TO TELEMARKETERS

01.Talk really fast.

02.Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

03.Make up your own language. Speak it.

04.Hang up.

05.Make up a one word language. Speak it.

06.Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

07.If they say "Yes" to # 6 say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.

08.If they say "No" to # 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.

09.Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.

10.Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.

11.Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

12.Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.

13.Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

14.Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

15.Claim to be the mafia.

16.Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

17.Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.

18.Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

19.Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.

20.Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"

21.Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?"

22.Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, "Damn unreliable *69."

23.Speak a foreign language.

24.If you do # 23 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks the language you used, speak another language, use a made up language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.

25.Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize" that you are not speaking to your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone down to hang up.

26.Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"

27.Communicate only through Morse code.

28.Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.

29.Try to sell the telemarketer something.

30.Act drunk.

31.Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though you were electrocuted.

32.Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

33.Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.

34.If he/she says "No" to #33 insist that he/she buy yours.

35.If he/she says "Yes" to #33 ask if he/she will take a strange currency.

36.Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

37.Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

38.Make him/her sing to get a sale.

39.If a male sings for #38, claim that he sounds like Britney Spears.

40.If a female sings for #38, claim that she sounds like Barry White.

41.Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

42.Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

43.Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

44.Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

45.Keep crackers n


ear the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.

46.After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

47.Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

48.If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on about how great another newspaper/magazine is.

49.Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get him/her to buy your product.

50.Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang up immediately afterwards.

[cici bebe]

Humph, I like man-hating jokes better. :wink2: :D

[Squall]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance


Smart man + dumb woman = affair


Dumb man + smart woman = marriage


Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit


Smart boss + dumb employee = production


Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion


Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.....


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.....


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[Viv]

heres one i got from a forward....i thought it was pretty darn hilarious!



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Read On ........

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Read On..............

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Read On.............

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Read On...........

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[vunsin]

Bedtime

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

------

bitter person's horoscope

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18 )
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

[sUm^MeR]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will
not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my God" he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

==============

A man from the East Coast is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing with a California native. He says, "I'll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a) next week," whereupon the Californian replies, "Oh, you mean, 'La-*HOY*-a?'"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess so." Then he adds, "but right now I'm staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN)," and again the Californian corrects him, "You mean, El Ca *HONE*?"

"Oh. Yeah, right."

Then the Californian asks, "So when will you be returning home?"

The East Coast guy thinks about it for a minute and then answers, "Oh, I don't know, I guess sometime in *HUNE* or *HULY*!"

=============

And.... another blond jokes, :happy:

A blonde goes into a beauty parlor and asks to have her hair done. She is wearing a cassette player with head phones on and refuses to take them off while having her hair styled. The beautician does her best to convince the blonde that she can do a much better job if the blonde takes off the headset, but the blonde refuses. The blonde comes in every week for several weeks and always refuses to take the head phones off.

Finally one week the beautician convinces the blonde that she can make her exceptionally beautiful if she will only let her remove the head set. The blonde reluctantly agrees and the beautician removes the head phones and proceeds to give her an immaculate hairstyle. When she's done, she asks the blonde how she likes it and the blonde doesn't answer -- turns out she's dead!

When the police arrive, the beautician explains how the blonde comes in every week and always refuses to remove her head phones except for this time.

The detective picks up the headset and turns on the tape. He places the head phones over his ears and hears,
"Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... Breathe out..."

===========



n
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.

He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

============

Jay Leno show ...

He said .... Britney Spears is on the cover of the "W" magazine ... she admits that she lost her virginity to Justin, I think the "W" stands for Who Cares!

Conan Obrien show ...

he said the same thing ... and he went on and said ... Christina also admits that she's no virgin on the cover of "DUH" magazine ...

=============

Little Jenna walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demanded Jenna. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up." Jenna thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenna," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

"Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenna asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

"Darling,"her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenna told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenna sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenna. "You weigh 135 pounds."

"Jenna, where did you learn this?", her mother asked.

Jenna just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenna replied, "Because you got an F in sèx!"

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

[shouling]

sleep well (Now here's an idea!)


The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life,
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young
doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had
a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these
are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...And believe me, it helps me sleep
at night.

[vunsin]

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

[Squall]

School jokes

Differences Between Physicist, Biologist And Chemist

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first

time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he

wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked

into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside

the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation,

"The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------

Differentiation (If you studied about this before)



A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation

operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got

better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring

at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I

differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshaled his energies, stared fiercely at the

new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man

had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I

DIFFERENTIATE YOU!

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you

like: I'm e to the power of x."

[vunsin]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Squall]

> > A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a
bag
> of
> > money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank
> to
> > open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
> >
> > After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into
> the
> > president's office (the customer is always right!)
> >
> > The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit.
> She
> > replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.
>
> >
> > The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
> cash,
> > so
> > he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
> around.
> > "Where did you get this money?"
> > The old lady replied, "I make bets."
> > The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
> > The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your
>
> > balls
> > are square."
> >
> > "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
> that
> > kind of bet!"
> >
> > The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
> >
> > "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
> > square!"
> >
> > The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
> money
> > involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a
> > witness?"
> >
> > "Sure!" replied the confident president.
> >
> > That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
> long
> > time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
> side,
> > again and again.
> >
> > He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
absolutely
> no
> > way
> > his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
> >
> > The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared
> with
> > her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to
the
>
> > president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
> are
> > square!"
> >
> > The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to
> drop
> > his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old
> lady
> > peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
> >
> > "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
> guess
> > you
> > should be absolutely sure."
> >
> > Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
> against
> > the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
> matter
> > with
> > your lawyer?"
> >
> > She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
> today,
> > I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[shouling]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!
these ar esooo funny i especially like SQuall LHs betting one~!

i need this laugh. thanx.

[vunsin]

Hehe... I've read the old lady betting one... But it's still funny to read it again. :)

Here's more:

English Signs Abroad

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all t


he water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[Smonkkey]

LOL... pretty funny stuff. Thanks for sharing. At first i didn't know what it was talking about, until i read the thing above the thing... i must be out of it, since i can't think. I really liked the last one.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[vunsin]

Yes, Smonkkey, I could barely stop myself from falling off my chair while reading through those. :)

I have more! Hehe...

More and More BUMPER STICKERS

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"No Radio - Already Stolen"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

"If you can read this then I have lost my caravan."

[Squall]

Subject : A lesson for every salaried employee

> > A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog
> > coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back
> > again.
> >
> > So, he goes over to the dog and notices 'it has a note in its mouth. He
> > takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,
> > please".
> >
> > The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and,
> > lo and behold, there is a ten-dollar note there.
> >
> > So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing
> > it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about
> > closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he
> > goes.
> >
> > The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing;
the
> > dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.
> >
> > Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do,
> > and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the
way.
> >
> > The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
> > The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up
> and
> > gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows
a
> > ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is
> nearly
> > fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus.
> >
> > The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the
> > bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and
wags
> > its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to
> stop
> > completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to
> > the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door.
> As
> > it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and
heads
> > towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it
> > several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
> >
> > The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the
> > dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher
> > surprised
> > with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you
> > doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!", to
> > which
> > the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this
week
> > that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
> >
> > Moral of the story.....
> > You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall
> > short of the bosses' expectations.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smart Indians - just for laugh...

> No offence pls.....juz for laughter....
>
> 3 INDIANS and 3 PAKISTANIS are travelling by train to a Cricket match at
> the World Cup. At the station, the 3 PAKISTANIS buy a ticket each and
> watch as the 3 INDIANS buy just one ticket for them all. "How are the 3 of
> you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the PAKISTANI.
"Watch
> and learn," answers one of the INDIAN. They all board the train. The
> PAKISTANIS take their respective seats but all 3 INDIANS cramp into a
> toilet and close the door behind them.
>
> Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting
> tickets. He knocks on the toilet door an

d says, "Ticket please. " The door
> opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
> conductor takes it and moves on. The PAKISTANIS see this and agree it was
> quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the INDIAN
> style on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station,
> they buy one ticket for three on the return trip. To their astonishment,
> the INDIANS don't buy ticket at all!!! How are you going to travel without
> a ticket?" says one perplexed PAKISTANI. "Watch and learn," answers an
> INDIAN.
>
> When they board the train the 3 PAKISTANIS cram into one toilet and soon
> after the 3 INDIANS cram into another nearby toilet. The train departs.
> Shortly afterwards, one of the INDIAN leaves the toilet and walks over to
> the toilet where the PAKISTANIS are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says,
> "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with
> a ticket in hand. The INDIAN takes the ticket and goes back into his
toilet!!! Smart Indians - just for laugh...

[wackycashew]

just read this today from my text. =) talking about slips of the tongue. heehee... oopsies...

Male (answering phone): Hello, Antoine's Hair Studio
Female: I'd like to make an appointment with Michael for next week Thursday
Male: Would that be for a haircut?
Female: A haircut and a blow job
Male: (silence)
Female: Oh, I mean a blow dry, a haircut and a blow dry

- Maryann Overstreet (1995)

[vunsin]

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her.

Some honorable mentions:

"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
"Viagra, home of the whopper"
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

[sUm^MeR]

The Truth About Men (finally):

1. The nice men are UGLY.

2. The handsome men are NOT nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are GAY.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are MARRIED.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have NO money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, THINK we are only after their money

7. The handsome men without money are AFTER our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, DON'T think we are beautiful enough

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are COWARDS

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically LOSE interest in us when we take the initiative.

==========

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in
both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1. Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

2. Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon."
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."

3. Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher."

4. Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

5. My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

6. Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam: "It's a family tradition."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher."
Teacher: "What about your mother?" Sam: "She's a woman."

7. Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated."

8. Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love."

9. Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook."

10. Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died."

11. Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12. Teacher:


"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand."

============

Joe & John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat & kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[Squall]

Examinations Stress? Fear Not.

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her


in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".

[gr8t_gal]

:laughing: OMG! Why didn't i do take that advice during my exam?! LOL!
(received this yesterday): :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to name that person but the woman held a very touching speech -she said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

[Squall]

> > > > > > A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches
> > > > > > her topless.
> > > > > > "Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to
> > > > > > her breasts.
> > > > > > "Well, son, "she says, These are balloons, and when
> > > > > > you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven,"
> > > > > > Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and
> > > > > > goes off quite satisfied.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Two days later while his mother is making tea, he
> > > > > > rushes into the kitchen.
> > > > > > "Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"
> > > > > > "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's out
> > > > > > in the garden shed,lying on the floor with both of her
> > > > > > balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and
> > > > > > she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > =============================
> > > > > > Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for
> > > > > > home, crying because her first period had started and
> > > > > > she had no idea what it was.
> > > > > > The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so
> > > > > > she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom. She was walking
> > > > > > home when she ran into little Johnny.
> > > > > > "Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny. "I'm crying
> > > > > > because I'm bleeding," she replied.
> > > > > > "Give me a look," said little Johnny. She lifted her
> > > > > > skirt and showed him.
> > > > > > "****in' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're
> > > > > > bleeding some *******'s cut off your penis!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > ===============================
> > > > > >
> > > > > > A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his
> > > > > > life science classroom,staring at a question on the
> > > > > > final exam paper.
> > > > > > The question directed:
> > > > > > "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?
> > > > > > He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into
> > > > > > his head, hoping for the best:
> > > > > > 1. No need to boil.
> > > > > > 2. Never goes sour.
> > > > > > 3. Available whenever necessary.
> > > > > > So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth
> > > > > > answer.
> > > > > > Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He
> > > > > > frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he
> > > > > > brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
> > > > > > scribbled his definitive answer:
> > > > > > 4. Available in attractive containers of varying
> > > > > > sizes.
> > > > > > He received an A.

[vunsin]

Best Newspaper Headlines - 1997
Newspaper Snippets

BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1997 by Blondibell

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Squall]

Can you be hypnotized. Find out here.
http://www.derivo.ch/rabailkal-test/hypnose/hypnose.htm

hehehe

[Jess]

OMFG hahaha I expected the thing to pop up but it was still scary...

*twitch*

[vunsin]

UK Insurance Claims
And Americans think you have a monopoly on traffic problems and the twist and turns of insurance claim forms...

Here are some from the UK

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffs. They were originally sent out at Christmas 95 as an internal e-mail within the company concerned but they have escaped.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."

"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as


it backed into the other vehicle."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

[gr8t_gal]

LOL!!! :D Funny about the car!

La or Le Computer:
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike >English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon." > >A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the > >answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: > > 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"),
because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a > >little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Squall]

King and his secretary

> >>The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing
> >>tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
> >>The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the
secretary
> >>is quite taken aback.
> >>
> >>However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy
> >>outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from
> >>wanting
> >>to marry her.
> >>
> >> After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry
you
> >>under three conditions.
> >>
> >>First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a
> >>matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
> >>
> >>The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No
> >>problem! I have. I have."
> >>
> >>Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I
> >>want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation
> >>home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in
> >>France."
> >>
> >> The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone
and
> >>calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman,
nods
> >>his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
> >>
> >>Realizing that she only has one condition left, the secretary knows that
> >>she'd better make this a good one.
> >>
> >>She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work
> >>condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather
coldly,
> >>"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
> >>
> >>The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
> >>his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
> >>Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head,
looking
> >>really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

[shouling]

OMFG hahaha I expected the thing to pop up but it was still scary...

*twitch*

me too. i knew that it was one of those things cuz it said to relax and stuff. i knew yet it still made me jump.
reminds me of the colour test Jo posted.
Grrrrrr~!

anyway....back to the jokes.

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
HA HA~!

[vunsin]

Bloody Chain Letters

There are four basic types of chain letters:

Chain Letter Type I: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down)









Really, go on and make one wish!!!









Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!









Wish something else!!!









Not *that* either, you pervert!!









Is your finger getting tired yet?









You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!

Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!!
Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!



Chain Letter Type II

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!



Chain Letter Type III

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story a1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!

Queer Horror Story a2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after. Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and dru


gs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.



Chain Letter Type IV

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends - A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
- A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care. Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.

[Squall]

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year
old
son waiting for him at the door.
SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the
man
said angrily.
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an
hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $20 an hour."
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I please borrow $10?"
The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you
can
borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you
march
yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are
being
so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's
questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to
think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10 and he
really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the
little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the
man.
"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the
$10
you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He
yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The
man, seeing that the boy already had money,started to get angry again.
The
little boy slowly counted out his money,then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want more money if you already have some?"
the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come
home
early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

So what is the moral of the story?

Don't work too hard...and you know what's the full word of FAMILY?
FAMILY =
( F )ATHER
( A )ND
( M )OTHER
( I )
( L )OVE
( Y )OU!

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY :

Share this story with someone you like. But even better, share $20
worth
of
time with someone you love. It's just a short reminder to all of you
working
so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers
without
having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close
to
our hearts. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for
could
easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we
leave
behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to
think of
it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family . An unwise
investment indeed!

[vunsin]

The 5 ages of sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

[destined]

I got one , i'm gonna try and remember this one, so me of u mite of heard this joke, and may find it not funny but anyway..

There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I as with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

[Smonkkey]

haha... destined that was pretty funny. It make me laugh, it made me cry, you deserve an Oscar!

[vunsin]

Answers in aBible knowledge test

Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test

1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, "thou shalt not admit adultery"
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage
16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony
18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals

[Squall]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.


The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he
> > > > > > >sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he
> > >rushes
> > > > > > >over to him, and asks for his autograph.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese
people
> > > > > > >bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who
> > > > > > >bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied
> > > > > > >Spielberg.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says,
"You
> > > > > > >sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
> > > > > > >Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the
> > > > > > >ship,not me."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg,
you're
> > > > > > >all the same."

[retrobaby]

The Little Birdy Story



A little bird was flying south for the winter when it suddenly became so cold the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a huge pile of dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, the bird began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Discovering that it was a bird under a pile of cow dung, he promptly dug him out and ate him.



Therefore the moral of this story is:



1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

----------------------------------------------------------------------

UN Questionnaire

Last month, a survey was conducted. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solution to the food shortages in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because:

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Squall]

True facts of Management...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
I
am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep,and you expect
people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

[beach gurl]

COLD JOKES ??

> Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
> Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.
> Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
> Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
> Lee Sum Wan: Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its
> urgent.
> Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But
> whats this urgent matter about?
> Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother
> was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is
> being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the
> hospital.
> Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
> hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find
> this
> hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
> Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
> Mr Sori: Im Sori.
> Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
> Mr Sori: Im Sori!!
> Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care,
> give me your name!
> Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im
> SORI!!! you didnt even give me your name!
> Lee Sum Wan: I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be
> careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big
> position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
> Mr Sori: Oh im so scared(sarcastically).Look i dont care about ur
> uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an
> important position in the company.
> Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy
> doesn't work there.
> Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
> everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
> Lee Sum Wan: Wheech Wan is my sis!
> Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think
> i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll
> broadcast
> it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that
> anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no
> one
> got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going
>
> to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their
>
> uncle, u're a nobody. "how bout that!?
> Toot....Toot....Toot.................

[Squall]

What is Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's
Direct Marketing


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's
Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's
Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's
Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's
Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's
Customer Feedback

[gr8t_gal]

LOL!! ^v^ hey! They're all hilarious! Can't... stop... laughing..... *stomach hurting* LOL! ^v^
Ok! My turn! ^_~

> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)
>
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)
>
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
>
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field (30minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
>
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) (On Second Thought,This could be a very difficult decision)
>
Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)
>
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm........)
>
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
>
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)
>
Starfish have no brains.(I know some people like that too.)
>
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
>
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[Squall]

Dear dogs and cats,

When I say "move," it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find this aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue to sleep on the couch to insure your comfort. Look at videos of cats and dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My Compact Discs are not Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I've been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Cats and dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[vunsin]

My mom forwarded this to me:

What Those Words on Yearly Performance Reviews REALLY Mean

1. Outgoing personality: Always going out of the office.

2. Great presentation skills: Able to bullshit.

3. Good communication skills: Spend lots of time on the phone.

4. Work is first priority: Too ugly to get a date.

5. Active socially: Drinks a lot.

6. Independent worker: Nobody else knows what he/she does.

7. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses.

8. Careful thinker: Won't make a decision.

9. Uses logic on difficult jobs: Gets somebody else to do it.

10. Expresses him/herself well: Speaks English.

11. Meticulous attention to detail: A nit picker.

12. Has leadership qualities: Is tall or has a louder voice.

13. Exceptionally good judgment: Lucky.

14. Keen sense of humor: Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

15. Career minded: Back stabber.

16. Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else.

17. Plans for promotion/advancement: Buys drinks for all the boys.

18. Of great value to the organization: Gets to work on time.

19. Relaxed attitude: Sleeps at desk.

[Squall]

http://www.student.smsu.edu/s/san232s/hardfunnypics/McDonaldsapplication.jpg

[destined]

this isn't a joke , but i find it kinda funny


I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here"...she put Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a to a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sig

[adnam8]

i always loved short jokes

why do gorrilas have big nostrils?

:hmm:


:laughing: coz they have big fingers

[Squall]

big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > was doing.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > you are not coming over here."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > trial attorneys in the United States and, if you
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > everything you own.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > settle small disagreements like this with the
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > "Three Kick Rule."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > then you kick me three times and so on back and
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > forth until someone gives up."
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > contest and decided that he could easily take the
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > and walked up to the attorney. His first kick
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to h

is
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my
turn."



> >>> > > > The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.
> >>> > > >
> >>> > > > You can have the duck."

[vunsin]

English Assignment

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
In-class assignment for Wednesday: Tandem Story. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on until both people agree a conclusion has been reached. The story must be coherent, and each paragraph relevant to the prior one.
-------------------------------------------
Rebecca <last name> and Gary <last name>
English 144A
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who had once said in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Team Captain Carl Harris was leading his patrol squadron into orbit over Skylon 4. Carl had more important things to think about than the neuroses of that air-headed asthmatic woman named Laurie who, after one sweaty night over three months ago, was still desperately clinging to an illusion of a relationship she had fabricated in her unbalanced mind. "Alpha Tango One to Geostation One-Niner-Three", he said into his subspace communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance..." But before he could sign off a bluish plasma beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit threw him out of his seat and into the cockpit control panel.

He hit his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian battleship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the U.N. had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empire who was determined to enslave the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet and nothing to stop them. They swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in a submarine off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 15 million other Americans. He slammed his fist on the conference table. "I KNEW this would happen! I am exercising my executive privledge to annul that treaty effective IMMEADIATELY! Ready the nukes, we're gonna blow those bastards out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equi

valent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

[rosiean86]

I've got a math pick-up line! w00t, w00t, I'm representing us nerds, lol. Anyways, here's how it goes:

Guy: "Can I be your derivative so I can be the line tangent to your curves?"

:D

For those of you who don't get it...the derivative of a function is the line tangent to the curve of the funtion. Muahaha

[Squall]

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.

My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still >apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on >the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't
really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

from gamersquare DOCOMO

[Miss_gun]

LOL!!! Squall LH!! That's funny!! That person in charged who works for the CitiBank..is..:dry:

And I think that Mc'donalds one is funny too..

[Squall]

> >SCIENCE vs JESUS
> >"Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist
> >professor of philosophy pauses before his class and
> >then asks one of his new students to stand. "You're a Christian, aren't
> >you,
> >son?"
> >
> >"Yes sir," the student says.
> >"So you believe in God?"
> >"Absolutely."
> >"Is God good?"
> >"Sure! God's good."
> >"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
> >"Yes."
> >"Are you good or evil?"
> >"The Bible says I'm evil."
> >
> >The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment.
> >
> >"Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can
> >cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would
> >you try?"
> >
> >"Yes sir, I would."
> >"So you're good...!"
> >"I wouldn't say that."
> >
> >"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could.
> >Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."
> >
> >The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does
> >he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to
> >Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
> >
> >The student remains silent.
> >
> >"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from
> >a
> >glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.
> >"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
> >
> >"Er... Yes," the student says.
> >"Is Satan good?"
> >The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."
> >"Then where does Satan come from?"
> >The student falters. "From... God..."
> >
> >"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in
> >this world?"
> >"Yes, sir."
> >"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"
> >"Yes."
> >"So who created evil?"
> >Again, the student has no answer.
> >"Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All these terrible
> >things,
> >do they exist in this world?" The student squirms on his feet.
> >"Yes."
> >"So who created them?"
> >The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question.
> >"Who created them? "
> >
> >There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in
> >front
> >of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.
> >
> >"Tell me," he continues. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
> >The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor. I do."
> >The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to
> >identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"
> >"No sir. I've never seen Him."
> >"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
> >"No, sir. I have not."
> >
> >"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have
> >you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that
> >matter.
> >
> >"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
> >"Yet you still believe in him?"
> >"Yes."
> >"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
> >science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
> >"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."
> >"Yes, faith," the professor repeats.

"And that is the problem science has
> >with God. There is no evidence, only faith."
> >
> >The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his
> >own
> >
> >"Professor, is there such thing as heat?"
> >"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
> >"And is there such a thing as cold?"
> >"Yes, son, there's cold too."
> >"No sir, there isn't."
> >
> >The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room
> >suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have
> >lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, white heat, a little
> >heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit 458
> >degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after
> >that
> > There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we
> >would be able to go colder than -458 degrees. You see, sir, cold is only a
> >word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat
> >we
> >can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the
> >opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."
> >
> >Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding
> >like a hammer.
> >
> >"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"
> >
> >"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't
> >darkness?"
> >
> >"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of
> >something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing
> >light... but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's
> >called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In
> >reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness
> >darker, wouldn't you?"
> >
> >The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be
> >a
> >good semester. "So what point are you making, young
> >man?"
> >
> >"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start
> >with and so your conclusion must also be flawed."
> >
> >The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you
> >explain how?"
> >
> >"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You
> >argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God.
> >You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can
> >measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
> >magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To
> >view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death
> >cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life,
> >just
> >the absence of it. "Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that
> >they evolved from a monkey?"
> >
> >"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes,
> >of course I do."
> >
> >"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
> >
> >The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where
> >the argument is going. A very good semester indeed.
> >
> >"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot
> >even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor,
> >are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a
>

>preacher?"
> >
> >The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has
> >subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other
> >students, let me give you an example of what I mean."
> >
> >The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has
> >ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.
> >
> >"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the
> >professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears
> >to
> >have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
> >demonstrable protocol, science says that you
> >have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no
> >brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"
> >
> >Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face
> >unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers.
> >
> >"I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

[vunsin]

Mr. Penis Request for Promotion

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
O- has to work hard
O- has to work at great depths
O- has to work upside down
O- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
O- has to work in a high humidity environment
O- has to work at high temperatures
O- does not get weekends and holidays off
O- does not get time off after extra hours of work
O- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness

Management Reply:
Request denied ------- for the following reasons:
O- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
O- does not answer immediately to all requests
O- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
O- after a short activity period, falls asleep
O- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
O- works better alone than with others
O- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
O- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
O- sometimes leaves work too early

[beach gurl]

Picked some of this from Glamour Magazines, UK edition, December 2003
(19 Things that must have been invented by utter bastards)

-Cars that digitally control the temperature, give you directions and play 5 CDs in one go but still have doors that give you an electric shock

-Tights. Clearly hosiery scientists aren't working hard enough to discover nylon that doesn't ladder while it's still in the packet

-Mini ketchup sachet, they're a Tarantino film effect just waiting to happen

-Polyphonic ring tones, they've transformed every train journey into a berks' convention.

-G Strings. Who exactly lay there considering the perils of panty lines anyway.

-Toilets, can't they be self cleaning ?

-Warm showers that lull you into a false sense of security, then dribble scalding hot spit on you just as you're about to get out.

[Squall]

http://img.epaper.com.tw/img/ejoke_comic/20030122/qq0112.gif
http://img.epaper.com.tw/img/ejoke_comic/20021226/sos1216.jpg

[lil~jo]

Heres a funny joke...hope it hasn't been put in here....
Once upon a time there was a guy who died and went up to heaven.
There was a whole lot of clocks behind this angel.
He asked the angel "what are all those clocks for?"
The angel replied, "those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hand moves once."

~~~So then the man pointed at one clock and asked, "whose clock is that one?"
The angel answered, "thats mother teresa's, the hands have never moved showing she has never lied in her whole life."
The man once again pointed to another clock and asked the same question.
The angel replied, "thats Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has moved only twice signifiying he has only lied twice in his life."
Finally the man asked, "where is President George Bush's clock?"
The angel answered, "oh that one is in Jesus's office, he's using it as a fan"

*^^*

[shouling]

haha jo.. that one is cute~!

Anyone want a cat??? My neighbor is looking for a good home for their cat.
He said it's really lovable and friendly, but his wife said the cat
makes her nervous when it stares at her. She wants it out of the house. If
you know of anyone, let me know.

The picture of the cat is attached.
Free Cat (http://www.webpost.net/sh/shoulingpics2/FreeCat.jpg)

[lil~jo]

That cat is, SCARY!......*shiver*shudder*
haha, no wonder....

Don't know if you have heard this one before,
Once upon at time, a boy climbed up a tree and didn't want to come down.
The parents called him down so many times, the neighbours tried, and soon the whole town had tried.
The last resource was to call the priest.
All the priest did was, make the sign of the cross.
The little boy came down imediatly.
The parents were so suprised, and asked the little boy, why did you come down so fast?
The little boy answered,
The priest used sign language which said this tree, I'm going to chop it down.
-l- <- cross, the vertical line signifies the tree, and the horizontal line the axe going through *^^*

[l3abystarz704]

Someone told me to read this quickly

"I am sofa king stupid."

.....i hope you guys get it...it just means.."I'm so fckn stupid." when you read it quickly...grrr can't believe they made me curse....boys...haha

[Squall]

Hard to believe this was written by a high school student...
*A Columbine High School student wrote:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;more experts, but less solutions; more medicine, but less wellness; We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We have higher incomes, but lower morals; we've become long on quantity,but short on quality. These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

[hellokitty]

k i got dis one from my frd..itz reallie reallie sick..so if u cant take it then dont read it~

k once there were 3 homeless men..they came by a house owned by a woman who likes sex...they all asked her if she could provide them food and shelter...the woman told them she can let them stay and provide the food if only they have sex with her..the first 2 men said no way...but the thrid man said ok...so the woman brought him to her house...and then the man went up stairs wif her...and told her to put a blindfold on..so it would be more exciting..so the woman did..then he went down to the fridge and found some sasuages..and den know wat happens ;)....when he was done he threw the sauages ooutside the window...the next day he was leaving..and when he went outside he found the other 2 men sleeping on the grass...the 2 men said to him..."thx for the delicious sasuages...great seasoning too~!"

k i noe that is pretty disgusting..but yea...i dun find it funni i find it digusting..lol

This one is just liek SICK AS!!! I'm gona puke! :crazy:

[Squall]

Teacher: Sam, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
> > same as your brother's.Did you copy his?
> > Sam: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> > > > >>>
> > Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
> > Sam: No comb, sir.
> > Teacher: Use your dad's then.
> > Sam: No hair, sir.
> > > > >>>
> > Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?
> > Sam: "HIJKLMNO".
> > Teacher: What?!
> > Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
> > > > >>>
> > Teacher: Sam, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> > Sam: I is .....
> > Teacher: No, Sam, always say "I am ...."
> > Sam: Alright ... umm ... "I am the 9th letter of the
> > 26 alphabets"
> > > > >>>
> > Teacher: If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 on the
> > other, what would I have?
> > Class: Big Hands!!!!!!
> > > > >>>
> > In Sam's house
> > ******************
> > > > >>>
> > Father: Your teacher says she finds it's impossible to
> >
> > teach you anyting!
> > Sam: That's why I say she's no good!
> > > > >>>
> > Father: Sam, how can you call your aunt stupid?
> > Go and say sorry to her.
> > Sam: (to the aunt) Aunt, I'm sorry you're stupid.
> > > > >>>
> > Sam: Mom, teacher was asking me today if I've any
> > brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.
> > Mom: That's nice of her to take such an interest,
> > dear. So what did she say when you told her you're the
> > only child, my dear?
> > Sam: She just said ... 'Thank goodness!'
> > > > >>>
> > Sam: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> > Dad: I think so, what do you want me to write?
> > Sam: Your name on my report card.
> > > > >>>
> > In a clinic
> > ***********
> > > > >>>
> > Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
> > Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news
> > first.
> > Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They
> > said you've 24 hours to live.
> > Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible! What could
> > be even worse then? Tell me the very bad news.
> > Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday

[lil~jo]

PLEASE READ IT ALL, YOU WILL LIKE IT




I have one



You have one



Your mother uses your father's one



And your auntie uses your uncle's one



A married lady would acquire one



But a divorced lady would lose her one



ArnoldSchwarzenneger has a longer one



Michael J. Fox has a shorter one



Madonna doesn't have one



The Chinese usually have short ones



While the Indian usually have long ones



Do you have one?



How long is your one?



Which one is your preferred one?


(see below for answer)











what you are thinking of! go down......











Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
hehehehehe........................

[tortilla_chips]

Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
hehehehehe........................

:laughing: at first i thought the ans was tt thing all guys have.....it's really good :yeah:

mine's not tt gd, but pretty funny too....can use it 2 get back at yr ex bf/gf :wink2:


An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he
was there he received a letter from his girlfriend,
in which she explained that she was dating with two
guys while he

had been gone, she wanted to break
up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself
she had given him.
So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then
mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:
"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but
please take the one that belongs to you and send the
rest back."

[hype]

lol funny ones in here, i liked the corny ones the best!

What's green and has wheels?

[Viv]

lots of things! lime green punchbuggys, green wagons, green wheelbarrows etc...

What did sushi A say to sushi B?


-See below...










Wassabi?!?!?!?

[hype]

that was on page 2 alrdy, but i still love that haha

so anyways, what's green and has wheels?


.....


grass, i lied about the wheels. =)

[lil~jo]

uh huh....

AM I SUPPOSED to laugh at that joke?

Why is 6 afraid of 7?




Because 7 eight 9 *^^*

and....

Why are there gates around the grave yard?



because people are dying to get in!
hehehehe

[JAY_LUVER]

lil~jo! I love the 7 eight 9 joke! That's one of my favorite jokes. :happy: Anyways..here's a joke,but its stupid :bleh:

After school, a girl walks back home. She then goes outside and checks her mailbox and there's no mail. Then she goes back into the house and 10 min. later she goes back outside and checks her mailbox, again there's still no mail. 30 min. later she goes outside again and checks her mailbox,still threre's no mail and she's getting very annoyed. An hour later she comes back outside again and checks her mailbox and still there's no mail! She is so mad, she screams,yells,and kicks the mailbox. Her next door neighbor whose mowing the lawn,stops and says "why are you yelling,screaming,and kicking your mailbox?" The girl says "Because my computer says that I GOT MAIL!"
get it? :bleh: yah...its lame. :laughing:

[lil~jo]

hahahaha*^^* its great, infact it isn't lame!

I think that it happens a lot in real life!
For those who are not fond of the computer ^^"

you know those....'older people'

[_+*cecilia*+_]

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your signigicant other about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

LAST REQUESTS
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!!" :laughing:

And my final joke:

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?










One's white, plastic and a hazard to little children.
The other is a plastic bag. :angel:

[sera]

:) Ok, here are my contributions:

Hospital Heartbreak

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says her husband's been in an accident.

They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my God," says Mrs. Jones, "what will be his prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincter. His bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry, I'm just kidding you. He's dead."


Pricey

A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[Vicluva]

Silly Quotes from teachers at my school:

Me: Miss, should i throw this black plastic bag into the rubbish bin?
Teacher: No, just put it in the box over there that says 'Rubbish bin'.
-----------------------------
Teacher: Nicole Kidman (a famous actress) says she'll quit acting for love, believe me, if she saw me, she'd keep acting.

sorry i havent got many jokes :dry:

[Squall]

What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?

They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.


A little boy gets on a bus...

A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the busdriver. As they're driving along, he sings, "If my daddy was a bull and my mommy was a cow, then I'd be a little bull." Annoyed, the busdriver tells the little boy to sit down, but the little boy continues, "If my daddy was a stag and my mommy was a deer, I'd be a little stag." The busdriver, tells the boy to shut up, but the little boy keeps singing, "If my daddy..." The busdriver suddently turns around and asks, "What if your daddy was gay and your mommy was a hooker?" The little boy then begins singing, "If my daddy was gay and my mommy was a hooker, then I'd be a busdriver."


I scream for ice cream

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a scoop of chocolate. The brunette worker tells her they are all out of chocolate. The blonde comes back later and asks again for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. The brunette tells her, she doesn't have any chocolate ice cream, but the blonde doesn't believe her and asks to speak to the manager. The brunette asks the blonde if she can spell the 'STRAW' in strawberry? The blonde spells it correctly. The brunette then asks if she can smell the 'FARK' in chocolate. The blonde begins to spell it, and stops, "Hey, there is no FARK in chocolate." The brunette then says, "Exactly, THERE IS NO FARKING CHOCOLATE!"


Mounted Cop

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''


Stupid Joke

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?

He wanted to see time fly.

[xzavire]

some "chinese proverbs" that i found on the web

man who likes pretty nurse must be patient...
man who eat many prunes get good run for money...
a lady says "no" means "maybe", Lady says "maybe" means "yes", lady says "yes"...that's no lady

more can be found at
http://www.sexylegsplaygirl.com/laverne/Confucius-Says.html
enjoy

[archywizard]

Gossh, That's a nice story. I'll never dare to dig my nose again....hahahaha
&gt;Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son,
&gt;Aloysius .........
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
&gt;PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose
&gt;with your finger mah !
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
&gt;PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel
&gt;better than your finger, right ?
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
&gt;PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig
&gt;your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
&gt;PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use
&gt;your blain, use your blainnn ..........
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making
&gt;love ?
&gt;PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on
&gt;your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
&gt;PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ......... you go and
&gt;dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
&gt;
&gt;Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
&gt;PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the best one..I luv this joke!! PCK rulez!!

[Squall]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.



He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

[msv]

LOLs.... ok, that was funny.... Well, here's mine's, I found them off some really really random website and I guess they're funny pick-up lines. Just think of it like a dating service for guys aiming to get girls through a sense of humor :shifty:

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

MY FAVORITE: :brows:
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

....... poor guy :rolleyes:

[Squall]

msv-->is that Yuna in your banner and avatar :shy:

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,So he
decided
to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally Typed the wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.After reading the first message,
she
fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now,and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.I see that everything has
been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as
mine was.
Can't wait to see u,

[msv]

Hehe... here's a heaven joke too you can say:

You Need To Have A Bad Day To Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Squall]

Rubber Things

A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night." The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night.

She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night. She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.

Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.

"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night fifty year ago?"

"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."

"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

So er.... :shifty: we're getting a little nasty eh? Well, I'll try to keep it as PG-13 as possible for you kids out there (nothing here that Discovery Channel haven't taught you :bleh: )

Never lend Money:

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

Ahahaha... true friends, where would you be without them? :brows:

[Squall]

what about this

Fruits Feast

A plane crash on an island, only three guys survived. They were captured by the cannibal tribe and brought before the chief. The chief said: "I will let you live if you manage to pass two trials." They got no other choice but to ask: "What will be the first trial?" Chief said: "Go into the forest and bring me ten fruits of the same kind." They thought: "That's easy." So three of them set off immediately.

The first guy came back with ten apples. The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, but when the second one went in, he couldn't help but to scream in pain. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the apples he brought.

The second guy came back with ten cherries, The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, the second one also went in fine, everything went fine until the last one, then he couldn't help but to laugh out loud. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the cherries he brought.

The first guy met the second guy in heaven and asked: "You could have survived, but why do you have to laugh at the last moment?" Second guy said: "I couldn't help it, because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

:lolabove: :lolabove:

[tortilla_chips]

pineapples? he's never gonna make it :laughing:

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

To all of you who have daughters, will have daughters, date someones daughter or know someone with a daughter - these are the rules!!!

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where You are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

fathers :rolleyes:

[archywizard]

Perfect Rules! Here is my contribution.
There's a place called "somewhere of Nowhere." (ever heard of it??) A man name Hip Hop happens to reach there by accident. A cute ...........I Leave the rest for you to continue>>>

[msv]

Wahahah..... Well SQuall LH, I guess you're not that innocent eh? Ok... how about this one then? :brows:

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man grabbed him! Jack asked, "Who are you?"

To which he replied, "Oh, I'm Cess"! :brows:

See kids, we should all not be so greedy cause look at what happened to Jack? :wink2:

EDIT: The PG-13 version :rolleyes:

[Squall]

:shock:
:brows:

another blonde joke

Breast Stroke

A blonde, a brunette and a red head took part in a swimming competition, they have to swim across the English Channel using breaststroke. The brunette came in first, then the red head, but the judges wait for very long still no sign of the blonde. After a few hours later, the blonde finally arrived looking very tired. She went straight to the judges and said: "I want to complain about the other two competitors, we were suppose to swim breaststroke, but I swear I saw them using their hands and legs."
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[lattae]

LMAO :lolabove: that's classic!!

we are getting "adult" in here :brows:

[msv]

LOLS! aw crap... I love Blondes!!!!!
*heheh, I feel so dirty* :shifty:

You be the Judge!

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Wow... lols, I never thought of a custody-case like this, see how hard it is to be a judge? :rolleyes:

[vunsin]

How could he compare his children to Coke cans? :rolleyes: If I were the judge, he would NOT get custody of his children. It's not that hard to decide. :rolleyes:

How about some visual jokes?
http://www.guerillastickers.com/backwards.jpg
http://www.guerillastickers.com/just%20kidding!.jpg
http://www.guerillastickers.com/BushMonkey.jpg
http://www.guerillastickers.com/bushactionfigure.jpg

[Squall]

i got any blondes joke :brows:

Mathematical Problems

A professor wrote a book proving that the entire blondes are stupid, so the blondes wanted to prove him wrong. They gathered at a stadium and elected the smartest of them all to face the questions given by the professor.

Professor asked: "What is square root of 16?" Blonde answered: "5!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Professor asked: "What 2 x 2?" Blonde answered: "3!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Professor asked: "What is 2 + 2?" Blonde answered: "4!" Professor was surprised. There was a complete silence for a while, then whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

[msv]

Oh yeah? here's a blonde joke too and this one is a DEATH & LIFE situation! *oooh!*

Barber Shop

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."

She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

................. I told you so........

[Squall]

:lolabove: :lolabove:
another blonde joke again

International Call

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!"

With that the man says, "Follow me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."

She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

OMG! wahahah! You FINALLY got a DIRTY blonde joke!!! lols... Ok... so let's say that after her "phone call" to her mom doesn't work out, she decides to go to Poland and visit her mom right? Ok, here's Part II then:

Blonde AND Polish!

Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
"I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask."

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"

Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!"

"No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

[tortilla_chips]

okay, im gonna tell you guys this butter joke, but please dont spread it around.

[Melvin]

ahh lol the telephone call was the best blonde joke i've heard to date

[Squall]

Horny Rooster

A farmer needs a rooster, so he went to the market. He saw one rooster banging around the cage, so he asked the seller: "Is this rooster good?" Seller answered: "Of course! But I don't think you will be able to tame him." Farmer said: "Don't worry about that, just sell it to me and I will have a way to deal with it."

He brought the rooster home and released it in his farm. The rooster went straight into the chickens pen and start banging all the chickens it can find. Farmer warned the rooster: "If you don't cool yourself down, you are going to tired yourself out." The rooster ignored the farmer and went all over the farm banging every living creature it could get itself to. The farmer just leaves the rooster and went to sleep.

Next morning, the farmer saw the rooster laying half dead in the middle of the field. He walks over and started laughing: "See what I've told you? You just wouldn't listen, now you know what is suffering." Rooster stare at the farmer for a while and said: "Don't come and disturb me now, I am trying to get the eagles to come down."
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

The Colonel and the Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

utter shock my friends, i am utterly shocked beyond shock :glug:

[Squall]

The Husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby. So he asked Great Eastern and the agent said, "Don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right from the basket to the casket."

The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion. He then approached Prudential. The agent replied, "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child from the womb right up to the tomb."

The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen liked to bull****. So he decided to see the agent from AIA. He told the AIA agent what Prudential and Great Eastern had to offer. The AIA agent then thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, ours is even better than Prudential and Great Eastern. We'll insure your child from erection to resurrection."

:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

This may sound nasty but its not........ just read on...... :wink2:

My very first time!


The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)

[Squall]

Stock Exchange

A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning." The customer left.

After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident. The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."

Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[littleasian]

I've got a couple. Keep in mind that these are pretty DIRTY or RACIALLY DISCRIMINATING (but its all in good fun :) ). So ya..if u get insulted..dont read

-censored due to racial content by JDA-

5. How do u fix a dishwasher?
Slap it and tell it to get back to the kitchen

Story
1. So theres this vampire. One day he goes into a bar and asks the bar-keeper for a glass of hot water. The bar-keeper says "i thought u vampires drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "Im making tea." :shifty:

:bleh:

dont take these too seriously!

[Squall]

Sins Meter

A guy went to hell after his death; he was taken for his orientation tour on his first day in hell. He can't help but to notice that there are a lot of gauges turning at different speed on the wall of various corridors. He asked the Satan about it and found out that it was a device call sins meter, the more sins a person commit, the faster the gauges will turn.

"Which one happen to be mine?" he asked.

"Oh! I am using it as a cooling fan now."

[vunsin]

Story
1. So theres this vampire. One day he goes into a bar and asks the bar-keeper for a glass of hot water. The bar-keeper says "i thought u vampires drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "Im making tea." :shifty:
That's nasty. :sick:

And please do refrain from posting racial jokes in the future. They're not funny and I was offended even though I'm not Black.

[Squall]

Pretty Woman

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

Well *clear throats*.... she sure is generous eh? Well if we have a cheating husband, lets bring in a cheating wife as well then!

Shipwrecked!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop making love to her down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

bwuahahafhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

[Squall]

Viagra Overdose

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex
anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in
the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee
that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two
in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she
said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's
coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone
was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's
pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling,
"Here, kitty, kitty."

:lolabove: :lolabove:

[msv]

The Shrine

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.

The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The first man:" I have lied!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the water and was "saved".

Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!"
Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved."
And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".

The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!"
Father: "What have you done?"
The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"

...... er...... so what does he drink now? regular water then? hehehe.... what a weirdo!

[Squall]

Vaseline Biker

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

is this a RA joke :angel:

[msv]

.......... I dont' get it. :?

this was inspired by Vunsin and my convo in the accidents in themepark thread, but instead I've broaden it to "funny sayings by people":

- "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
- "Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
- "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
- "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

here's what really is inspired by Vunsin: Funny sayings in the Court room:
- Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
- Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
- Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
- Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
and finally...... Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

....... LOLS... these are hilarious :rolleyes:

[Squall]

There Is No Way To Please A Woman

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.....

"We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do. So the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors, so on to the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Vicluva]

A Blonde Goes to the Library?

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Squall]

Watch Where You Sit

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

my last joke..can't find any more worthy to post :lolabove: :lolabove:

[littleasian]

That's nasty. :sick:

And please do refrain from posting racial jokes in the future. They're not funny and I was offended even though I'm not Black.

I did put a disclaimer on the top man..if u dont like that kinda stuff u shouldn't read it..but some people may like those kinda jokes. Besides..what about blond jokes...they're just like racial jokes. If i can't post racial ones i dont think we should be posting blond ones as well...blonds may get offended...

[vunsin]

I did put a disclaimer on the top man..if u dont like that kinda stuff u shouldn't read it..but some people may like those kinda jokes. Besides..what about blond jokes...they're just like racial jokes. If i can't post racial ones i dont think we should be posting blond ones as well...blonds may get offended...
Just because you put a disclaimer doesn't mean you're then free to do all the things you're not supposed to do. You can't just put a disclaimer saying you're so mad you could kill somebody so whoever crosses your path is just asking to be killed, go out and kill somebody, and then claim you're innocent because you've put a disclaimer so people could stay out of your way.

DON'T POST ANY OFFENSIVE/DISCRIMINATIVE JOKES HERE!

[Squall]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened, Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So the following Monday, when Big John got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?!?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass..."

this is real clean and real funny :lolabove: :lolabove:

[littleasian]

take a look vunsin..there are other offensive jokes in here..im not the only one posting them. Perhaps i did go a bit too far..i won't cros that boundary again and for that i am sorry. However..aren't i entitled to posting them? The way i see it is...if its nasty than dont read it. Other people may find that those types of jokes funny. Someone said on the first or second page that its hte dirty and offensive jokes that are funny. If u were to keep it "clean"..u would have to delete like 1/2 of the posts, as most of them have to do with sex and that kinda stuff.

Lets see how "clean" these jokes are:

Q. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
A. coach

Q. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A. Quarterback

Q. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 300 black guys?
A. Warden

Q. Whats the difference between a woman talking dirty to a man and a man talking dirty to a woman?
A. When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man its 3.95 per minute.


i hope to god thats clean enough

[Squall]

A young guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said.

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?

The kid says, "One"

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $ 101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automoti

The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up, you might as well go fishing."

:lolabove: :lolabove:

this should be clean

[vunsin]

take a look vunsin..there are other offensive jokes in here..im not the only one posting them. Perhaps i did go a bit too far..i won't cros that boundary again and for that i am sorry. However..aren't i entitled to posting them? The way i see it is...if its nasty than dont read it.
No, I'm sorry, you're not entitled to anything. Two wrongs don't make a right. You can't just go outside and run about stark naked and then tell people if they think you look nasty to not look at you. If you can't follow our rules, then please don't feel obliged to stay. Read below.

Other people may find that those types of jokes funny. Someone said on the first or second page that its hte dirty and offensive jokes that are funny.
Then I feel sorry for these people. It'd be sad if you have to make fun of other people in order to feel good about yourself.

If u were to keep it "clean"..u would have to delete like 1/2 of the posts, as most of them have to do with sex and that kinda stuff.
Perhaps you haven't noticed, but I joined this forum way after this thread had been started. I'm sorry the ground rules hadn't been set much earlier, but take a look at any country's legal system. New laws are passed and implemented as the needs arise and as new law makers and enforcers take office. So now as a rule enforcer of this forum, I see the need to censor the jokes posted here. Obviously, they're just getting more and more offensive because no actions have been taken so far. And believe me, if there are less people like you (challenging authority), I would've had more time to read each individual joke in this whole thread to clean it up.

[stargirl]

Littleasian your jokes offended me! im not saying this because you have picked a bone with vunsin either. Im assuming you are asian? You live in America? Dont you receive any racism at all? DO you like it than?
How can you post such blatantly racist jokes? It's the same thing as when someone makes a racist comment to you!
You know loads of my chinese friends ask me why they receive so much racism in my country and america etc. They than proceed to call black people ugly! It's actually happend to me more than once. it makes me groan... racism is not acceptable!
I get enough of it myself actually.... one of the few white people living in a smallish chinese city you can bet i get glares and comments... especially from the older generation about those no good foreigners that cant be trusted. You making fun of black stereotypes is no different to them thinking im a bad person because i was born in an english speaking country and i have brown hair and blue eyes!

[jayx8318x]

hmm...this thread isn't very funny anymore...
Anyways, just drop it whatever's going on. If anyone still wants to argue, do it thru PM. You're going off topic.

And just as a rule of thumb, if you have to place a disclaimer before posting a joke, then that should tell you it shouldn't be posted in the first place.


Back to the funnies...

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_bookupsidedown.jpg
(look at his book!)
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
—George W. Bush

[Squall]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..." Will u say that again?....
:lolabove: :lolabove:

[littleasian]

alrite whatever ill drop this stuff...i just wanted to share a few jokes and stuff but no..guess i can't :crazy: . Oh well..u can't have everything in life.

so ya...this is my apology to vunsin and stargirl..sorry for offending u guys

Im pretty sure this is a clean joke...its kinda like the ones Squal LH posts:

Old Couple
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

:lolabove: :lolabove:

for those that do like the "dirty" jokes, i would suggest this site:

Entensity.net (http://www.entensity.net)

This site has some pretty funny stuff (like full clips of Chappelle Show) and funny videos/audio (interview with Fidel Castro). Be warned..this site has some pretty obscene stuff that could contain non/some/all of the following: nudity, racism, dirty/potty humor, steriotyping, stupid kids doing stupid stuff, blood

only for those mature enough...at least 17

~peace

[Squall]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly towards her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean.........my...........house."

:lolabove:

[lattae]

One day an evil witch took over the forest,

''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!''

The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except for a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his head.

Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head.

Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the tortoise started laughing...

''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.

"The monkey's joke was very funny...'' was the reply.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

This one is somewhat mean :shy:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Squall]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"


:lolabove: :lolabove:

[beach gurl]

Greetings! - A special thank you for all the hoax's you warned me about!

To all my friends, thanks for sending me all of your chain letters in
2000-2004: I read them, took them as facts, and obeyed them.
Following is how I now live my life...

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing
toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with
AIDS.
I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause
cancer.
I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I
even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from the devil with calls to
Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain
may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other
than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab
so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick
from the rat feces and urine.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was
about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny thing about that girl,
she's been 7 since 1993...
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that
microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their
special e-mail program.
My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid
vacation to Disneyland.
I never received any of the wishes I made, and I sent 10 copies of the chain
letter.
I am still looking at my screen for things to pop up after sending out the
message to my friends.
I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or
forgot to follow and thus I got an e-mail curse.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10
seconds or the bird of paradise will poop on you today at 7pm. Your Time
Starts Now!

[Squall]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognise you."

[Viv]

I'm not sure if this one would be considered inappropriate or not. If it is, please feel free to censor it. ^^


Once upon a time, the most handsomest, most charming, most clever guy in the world was walking along the beach. All of a sudden, he hears crying not to far away. He goes and finds the person who is crying. It turns out to be a girl with no arms and no legs. She is just sitting there crying...

"What's the matter?" The man asks.

"I...I...I've never been hugged before," the girl replies

So being the most handsome guy in the world, he gives her the nicest, warmest hug anyone's ever received. But the girl continues to cry...

"What's wrong now?" The guy asks, a bit more irritated now.

"I....I... I've never been kissed before," the girl replies.

So being the most charming guy in the world, he gives her the nicest, softest, smoothest kiss imaginable. But she continues to cry...

"What is it this time?" He asks, quite irritated because she won't stop crying.

"I... I... I've never been screwed before," the girl replies.

So being the most cleverest guy in the world, he bends down, picks the girl up with his muscular arms, and throws her into the ocean and yells, "WELL YOU'RE SCREWED NOW!"

[Squall]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW. The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer..........."Where's my Rolex?"

[vunsin]

LOL...
http://img2.exs.cx/img2/5200/abcdefg.jpg

[msv]

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! i haven't been here forever and i see boobies!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!! But OMG, that chick with the F size bra.... what the hell....... ???????????

I'm surprised each time she walks by there isn't an earthquake by the weight of her boobs OR the fact that she doesn't fall down from the weight of it. Porn star definatley :rolleyes:

[vunsin]

Her back would give out by the time she turns 35. :rolleyes: You see a lot of those in porn sites/movies, I believe. :rolleyes:

G should be for GROSS though. :laughing:

[msv]

what can I say? i'm a dude and guys are pervs :shifty: :tongue: hahahah, if you dont' see me tomorrow Vun, that means i'll be dead by the hands of my fellow brothers :shifty:

really for G size bra, that picture was nasty.... and its not even accurate!!!!!! where's all the wrinkles???? :tongue:

[vunsin]

What wrinkles? You don't have to be old to look like that. :rolleyes: The F would look like the G in 2 years! :rolleyes: Actually, E looks pretty bad too.

[msv]

E needs to do some push up and is it possible for boobs to get a facelift? ah yes, that's what E needs.

Is it just me or does C looks like she has cones for boobs instead? its disjointed and weird looking :crazy:

[vunsin]

Just like you could have breast enlargment surgery, you could also have breast reduction surgery. :rolleyes: I think B looks the best though.

Anyhow, any other jokes? :whistle:

[Squall]

A Boy Named BALGOBIN

TEACHER: Why are you late?
BALGOBIN: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Balgobin!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

BALGOBIN: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN: Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

BALGOBIN: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER: No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN: Brotherly love?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN: A teacher


i posted this in the surfers post-a-thon thread...
think i will share with all the people
:)

[Phalanix]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God"!!!

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident".

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen".

[msv]

Politically Correct Terminology

Genetically discriminating - racist

Geological correction - earthquake

Gerontologically advanced - old

Government employee - stupid

Grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling

Gravitationally challenged - fat

Horizontally challenged - thin

Horizontally gifted - fat

In denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened in recovery - drunk/junkie

Intellectually impaired - stupid

Law enforcement officer - policeman

Living impaired - dead

Maintenance hole - man-hole

Male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests

Mechanically challenged - broken down automobile

Metabolically challenged - dead

Microslothically challenged - windows user

Monetarily challenged - poor

[Squall]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from
my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with
your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

[msv]

:lolabove: that's hilarious!

Dumb Quotes:

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

[mazdaspeed_FC]

haha funny ass jokes

i got a short one to share
what kinda bees make milk?





boobie!

[Squall]

A little girl walks into a pet shop. The owner sees her, and lowers himself into a half kneeling position, and asks, in a cute and childish voice:" Hi, little girl? Looking to buy a pet?"

The little girl replied:" Yeah, I'm looking for a rabbit."

The owner assumes the same voice manner again:" Oh, how about this cutesy little brown wabbit, or this nicey little white one?"

The little girl stared at him, and replied:" I don't think my python gives a damn..."


:D

[littleasian]

I got a few jokes:

1. Sandwiches
A guy walkes into a pub and sees a hanging signs that reads:
Cheese Sandwich = $1.50
Chicken Sandwich = $1.75
Handjob = $10.00

He checks this wallet then walkes up to the counter. A exceptionally beautiful looking woman sees him beckoning her and comes over.

"Yes?" she inquires, "Can i help you?"

The man whispered, "Yep, i was wondering...are you the one that gives out handjobs?

"Yes," she purrs, "I am".

The man replies, "Well then, wash your hands because i want a chicken sandwich"

:bleh:

2. Bear and Rabbit
There was a bear and a rabbit. One day the two good friends went to the bathroom after their lunch to poop.

The bear asks the exceptionally clean and white rabbit, "Do you ever have problems with poop getting stuck within your fur?"

The rabbit looks back, and says proudly, "Nope, i never have problems".

The bear replies, "Oh i see", than he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.

:brows:

3. Differences between men and women
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon
you and I need to clean up
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we dont do laundry right now!!!

What a man hears
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

:lolabove:

[msv]

What's up with the bear and the rabbit by the way? anyways, here's another one then hehe.

The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[Pugwash]

Since we hear the saying, a picture speaks a 1000 words...

http://img30.photobucket.com/albums/v90/Yodums/MashiMaro.jpg

Need I say more? Mashi maro exists!!!!!

[newg]

I just received these from my mailbox and children are really funny.

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." _____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

______________

Nice ones! :laughing:

[j4yr0x]

Here's one.. but quite exaggerating...

There's 2 men who got lost in a jungle.... n they saw a very beautiful lady... just when they wanted to approach her.... they realised that she is the daughter of a tribe leader.. When the leader of the tribe know about it, he wanted to kill them but they begged him that they still have many family members to look after, so he let them go and asked them to swear not to look at his daughter again. However, the 2 men still could not resist temptation and peeped into the lady's tent and was caught by the tribe leader again.. This time they begged again and he said that he would let them off only if they do a punishment. The tribe leader said 'Go round the forest and find me 10 identical fruits!'...so they went off to look for it.. After a few hours, the first man bring back 10 big juicy apples. The tribesman said 'Now stuff the fruits into YOuR a*S!!.. but u cannot make any facial expressioN, if not, i would kill u immediately!'.. so the 1st man started stuffing, just when he wanted to stuff the last apple up the a*s, he laughed out and he was killed on the spot.
When the 1st man went to hell, the devil was curious and asked 'Why y laugh? If u just stuff the last apple, u will live!' The 1st men could not stop laughing n replied 'I SAW MY FRIEND BRINGING BACK 10 DURIANS.. WAHAHAHAHA!'.....

Haha.. kinda lame...

[msv]

EDIT: that's why its 10 things in golf that sound dirty but its not because they're ACTUAL sayings in golf that players ACTUALLY use. You know, like puns? innuendos? :rolleyes:

Anyways, here's a nice, clean joke then.

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

--------------------------------------------------------------------

see? its clean now. :rolleyes:

[eunicezy]

Oh my... those jokes are really dirty! :dry:

I thought this thread should be clean? So as not to pollute the minds of the young?

[Squall]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

it is clean :angel:

[ene]

These are apparently real examination scripts. It's amazing what one can write under exam stress :wink2:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v327/ene_gal/12.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v327/ene_gal/18.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v327/ene_gal/19.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v327/ene_gal/20.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v327/ene_gal/23.jpg

I'll give this person 10 points for creativity :laughing: Love the alien bits...

[Squall]

but i see ticks :glug:
omg...does the ticks means that the answers are correct :glug:

[chizzu]

omg. the exam papers are REAL. and the teacher is actually giving marks?!
maybe pity marks i guess. haha

[macdawn]

Oh my goodness chizzu, you banner is way out of size.... better do something about it before it gets *silenced*

I replied to the one ene posted elsewhere, and I think she didn't like what I wrote, cos she deleted my post :wink2:

I will ask it again....So, ene, is that your exam paper? :laughing:

Someone who do that during the exams, is:
1. Extremely brave
2. Extremely creative
3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
4. All of the above...

My guess is, Option 3... :rolleyes:

-MacDawn

[ene]

dawnie :lolabove: I like option 3. And no, they are not my exam papers. Now when was the last time I sat for exams ? :?

squall I was wondering abt the ticks as well.

[littleasian]

i gotta say ene...thats some funny exam scripts. You wanna know something even funnier though? I took that test.

I believe that test was the May 2004 US IB Chemistry SL test. I took that one..got a 5 out of 7 (guess that means im smart or somethin :oops: )

the question: POtassium Permanganate + Sodium Iodide has the solution

KMnO4 + NaI -> KI + NaMnO4 or POtassium Iodide + Sodium Permanganate

ya i know..dont be jealous :bleh:

[Squall]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great". You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,









"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again".
:D

[macdawn]

KMnO4 + NaI -> KI + NaMnO4 or POtassium Iodide + Sodium Permanganate

ya i know..dont be jealous :bleh:
Hey littleasia, ya forgot to answer, what would you observe.....
Potassium Permanganate is purple..... after the reaction, the resultant solution is colourless because Potassium Iodide and Sodium Permanganate are both colourless compounds...

Ya, I love chemistry too..... :whistle:

That reminds me, you know what happens if you got potassium permangante onto your skirt by accident? The purple permanganate would oxidise to give a manganese oxide, which is stable and reddish brown in colour...... Now does that stain reminds you of? :oops:

-MacDawn

[littleasian]

haha....actually i dont like chemistry that much. Biology is a much more interesting class for me.

we got to do these super cool disections...10 pound baby pigs and giant cow hearts!!!!! :excited: oh ya..we also did a frog :dry:

oh ya..joke time to commenmorate the upcoming US presidential elections.

The President''s Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


oh ya. Go john kerry

[scarletwillow]

Littleasian, that joke was awesome.
John Kerry indeed!!!!!

GO DEMOCRATS W00T.

[msv]

Funny signs:

Sign over a Gynecologists Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix

Maternity clothes shop:
We are open on Labour Day.

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

On a highway in Jacksonville, Florida:
Caution: Water on road during rain.

Found on a golf course:
Any persons (except players) caught
collecting golf balls on this course will
be prosecuted and have their balls removed.

--------------------------------------------------------

Golf is such a tame sport but alas... it cannot escape the dirty mind of a human being. :rolleyes:

[Lizzy]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a cup of coffee, and then ..........." he sighs,
"let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
__________________________________________________ _________________________________

An overweight blond consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds shes's been trying to lose.
The blond followed the doctor's advice, and, after 30 days the blond indeed lost 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor to thank him for the wongerfyl advice.
At the end of their convosation the blond asked one last question:"how do i get home, since I am now 300 miles away?
__________________________________________________ _________________________________

Dentist to Patient(begging):Would u help me?Could u give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient:"Why Doc?It isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist:There r so many people in the waiting room right now and i dont want to miss the 5 o'clock football game"

__________________________________________________ _________________________________

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,"Seems like all Fred and I do anymore is fight.I've been so upset I have lost 15 pounds."
Why don't you leave him then?"Asked the other woman.
"Oh !Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least anothor 15 puonds first"

[msv]

Its time to revive this thread for where would we be without humor?!

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

[littleasian]

heres some new ones

1. Alcohol (dont worry, its clean...read on)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your pants.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with
members of the opposite sex without spitting.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu
powers.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot
remember).

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are
slim and attractive.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing
in your home.

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are
laughing WITH you (not AT you).

=> WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to
literally disappear.

:bleh:

moral of the day: dont drink..bad things can happen

[wkhwa]

One fine day in heaven, Jesus and Satan were arguing over who is better at organizing documentations. Finally Jesus had enough of Satan’s nonsense and challenged him to a match. Whoever gets to prepare a better presentation with Microsoft Word within 45 minutes will be the winner. Satan agreed and they both went to “the heaven’s computer lab.”

To be fair, Jesus gave Satan a head start. When the 45 minutes was almost up, there was a black-out. After a few minutes the power went back on. Satan was furious that he had lost all his documents. Then, he saw Jesus printing his project. “That was not fair, you must have cheated,” yelled Satan. Jesus just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

[gbert]

:) wkhwa, that's a very clean and kinda truthful joke. And with regards to blonde jokes, I'm wondering who started all those jokes.

[pyre]

Getting Even

The nasty man gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When her husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steamed cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid for to replace the expensive wool carpeting. :wacko:

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ... repairmen refused to work in the house ... the maid quit ... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a large sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back ... knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed to the price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyer delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...

... including the curtain rods. :crazy:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Requirements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!" :oops:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.
---
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
---
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
---
A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"
---
Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"
---
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
---
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that brunettes can remember them.
---
One day, a brunette was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...''''
Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun.

So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came.

The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde.

The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."
---
There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.

The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."

Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped...
---
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
---
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
---
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
---
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
---
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were walking on the beach when they found a magic lamp. They began rubbing it and genie came out and said, "You each may have one wish." The red head thought for a while and said, "Even though blondes are stupid, they have so more fun, I wish to be blonde." and she was turned blonde. The brunette agreed, "That's true, I really want to have more fun too, even though I'll be dumber, I wish to be blonde" and she became blonde also. The blonde looks at the two other blondes and said, "I just don't think I have enough fun. I don't care if I becomer even more dumb, make me more blonde, woo!" So the genie granted her wish and made her a man.
---
Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?
---
blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order their drinks, they watch the 6 o' clock news. On the broadcast is a man about to jump from a building. Hours pass as they find themselves sitting in the same seats at the bar watching the 10 o' clock news. The brunette says to the blonde, "I bet you $20 that the man jumps." Thinking for a moment, the blonde takes the bet. Sure enough the man jumps. As the blonde reaches into her purse to pay the bet, she says, "My God, I just saw that same man on the 6 o'clock news, I didn't think he would jump again."

[dagamezmasta]

ok i have two jokes here's the first one:

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."



ok another joke then (GOOOOOO KERRY WOOHOO!!!!):

The Clocks of Heaven

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "what are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "those are lie-clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"incredible," said Rumsfeld. "and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[mein]

BF : What do you want to eat??
GF : Anything will do......
BF : Ok, chicken rice then.
GF : But I don't feel like having rice leh....
BF : Ok, mee goreng then.....
GF : Don't want, too oily.....
BF : Fishball noddle soup....
GF : Yeeeee...So plain....
BF : Then what you want???
GF : Anything lor.......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Me : What do you don't want to eat? Rice or Noodles?
Wife: Er..don't want rice
Me: Ok, so anything with noodles is fine?
Wife: Yes
Me: Soup or dry?
Wife: Anything

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

girl: (holding up two clothes) which one is nice?
boy: the blue one looks nicer
girl: is it? I thought the black one is more classy
boy: I agree, take the black one then
girl: But then, the blue one looks quite nice too
boy: yeah
girl: which one is better ?

if boy answer 'black', girl will say he keeps
changing his mind and never shows sincererity and care

if boy answer 'blue', girl will say, " told you that the black one looks
more class"

But no matter what the boy says,
the girl will eventually choose the one she has already decided beforehand.
A lot of the times, the girl might even put the two clothes back
(after extensive trying) and says not interested anymore.
Really don't know what she wants.

lolz...isn't this true, girls? :bleh:

Car
Beng and Seng were excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to
remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake,Beng
asked, 'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it.'

'No, that won't work' answered Seng. 'People will think we're trying to
break in.'
Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the
rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'

'No,' said Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat
hanger.'
The kan cheong Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast.It's
starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------

PIZZA
Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAD BIRD
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said "Where, Where got?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not My Brother !
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.The
doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother-he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad
name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks
the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Italian ....
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chicky Italian
restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and
ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stupid or What
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to
the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't
believe me I'll show you." He called his driver Ah Beng over and said,
"Ah Beng, here is $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a
Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and
rushed off to the Showroom.

The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See I told you he was
stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see
stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali.

"Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home. " To which Ali said,
"Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home. "See what I told you?

He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I
am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali,"Eh, you
know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to
the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today
is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied,"You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked
me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can
just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

[pyre]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[mein]

DO YOU QUALIFY FOR SCHOOL AT 3rd GRADE?


The teacher asked, "Harry what is your
problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-
grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter
than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the
outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal
what
the situation was. The principal told the teacher
he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to
him
and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal
looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry
can
go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask
him
some questions?" The principal and Harry both
agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four
of
that
I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have
but I
do not have?" The principal wondered, why
does
she
ask
such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with
a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid? The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer, Harry was
taking
charge.
Harry: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then
comes
out
soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a
woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could
stop the answer...
Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You
tie
me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with
me
when you're bored. The best man always has
me
first.
(Principal was looking restless and bit tense.)
Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not
well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I
come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in
'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told
the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself."


WELL? DID YOU QUALIFY FOR 3rd GRADE? I'M SURE YOU FLUNKED!! :brows:

[newg]

What did Snow White said to the photographer?

~My prints will come!

Why was Cinderella thrown out of the basketball team?

~ She ran away from the ball.

[xinerz]

haha you guys, these jokes are funny :D here're my contributions *all these pictures are appropriate*

Presidency 101 Global Test (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_global_test.gif)
rumors on the internets (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_internets.jpg)
Al gore and the internets (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_invent_internets.jpg)
Got Wood? (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_woodpecker.jpg)

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

NASA set a world speed record with an unmanned jet that traveled 7,000 miles an hour, ten times the speed of sound. They think this technology will one day be used for commercial flight. Imagine flying ten times the speed of sound. Of course, that means now all your relatives and in-laws are just a few minutes away.

Discount retailer Kmart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever! (no offense to anyone that likes kmart/sears!)

As I’m sure you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically, he’s now just a semi-Colin.

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said,
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good
news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front
and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever
brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the
woman's brain costs "30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large
difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

[jay_is_cute]

these jokes are pretty funny!

ok my english teacher told me this one.

one day the pope and bill clinton died at the same time, but clinton went to heaven and the pope went to hell. of course, the pope couldn't understand, so he yelled up to st. peter at the gate why he went to hell and clinton went to heaven. st. peter thought about it, and decided that there had been a mistake. so on the escalator where clinton was going down and the pope was going up, the pope said "yes! ive always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." bill clinton replied, "sorry but youre about a half hour too late."

[kamui]

LOL
i was a bit slow... took me a couple minutes to figure it out but lol that one is hilarous.. not to mention the fact that it starts with "one day the pope and bill clinton died at the same time" lol :D :D

[akane_chou]

haha... seriously... >< most of d jokes i know are dirty or lame... so, honestly..

a guy called Beng went into a bar. he sits next to two guys who were just ordering.
Man 1: Johnny Walker, single.
Man 2: David [something... i forgot what], single.
Waiter: [turns to Beng] and you, sir?
Beng: Tan Ah Beng, married.

>< do you really get this joke?

[jay_is_cute]

this isn't really a joke, but when i first heard it i couldn't stop laughing. i dont know where else to place it so in this thread it goes:

my friend had this t-shirt of oxymorons, and one of them was..

President Bush

:laughing:

akane_chou, i really dont get your joke. :sweat:

[kylanixzue]

haha... seriously... >< most of d jokes i know are dirty or lame... so, honestly..

a guy called Beng went into a bar. he sits next to two guys who were just ordering.
Man 1: Johnny Walker, single.
Man 2: David [something... i forgot what], single.
Waiter: [turns to Beng] and you, sir?
Beng: Tan Ah Beng, married.

>< do you really get this joke?

hehe..yeah i think i kinda get it :)
Man 1 and 2 are ordering liquor..
Ah Beng din know..and tot they were introducing themselves and if they're single o not..

[lattae]

akane_chou, i really dont get your joke. :sweat:
I guess you require a bit of background knowledge of Singapore to understand. Just think of "Beng" as a male equivalent of "dumb blonde"...

I hope you know what Johnnie walker is tho :oops:

[incy-wincy]

who is Johnny Walker? US's Ah Beng?



:?

[jaychou-rawks]

heyy! i have got one here...its rather weird------->disgusting!


there was this father and daughter,the father was going to sit on a plane and knew he was going to die in that plane.so,he asked one of his brother[the daughter's uncle.]to take care of his daughter.so later they met each other and the father said "if u make my daughter cry 1 day i will haunt you for 2 days,if you make her cry 3 days i will haunt you for one week!" so his brother agreed.
after the father left the daughter went to the uncle's house to stay so daughter asked "can i bathe with you,uncle?"the uncle quickly replied"NO!" so the daughter threatened him,"or i will cry..."so the uncle had no choice but to do it...when they were bathing,the daughter asked"what is that[his as*]?"so the uncle thot for a moment..."err...its mr beanie..."
so when it got to night the daughter asked"uncle,can i sleep with u naked?"so the uncle said NO.so the daughter threatened him agen..so he had to agree.when they were sleeping,the daughter asked"can i play wif mr beanie?"and of course the uncle refused.and again,the daughter threatened him..so he had to agree.
the next day the uncle felt nothing there[at his as*].so he asked the daughter"where is mr beanie?"
the daughter replied"oh,it sprayed something yellow[urination]at me so i CHOPPED it off!

[AzN_cHiCk]

here are a few i got from some emails sent to me:
i hope they arent too gross....and i hope they havent been posted before....

HELP REQUESTED
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" The man says, "I'm so embarrassed. I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this, but you are kind of cute." She gets on her knees and begins to gratify him orally. "I really appreciate this," said the man, "but I need help getting the cap off the jar."

LAWYER AND BUCKET
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?" Mom, embarrassed, replies, "I was just letting the air out of him—he's too fat." The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

PAINFUL
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change. A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming. "Tennis ball," came the reply from the man. "Oh," said the blonde, sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

DEAD ROOSTER
A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path. The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are around back."

RECTAL GLAUCOMA
One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss. The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."


HOW OLD
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said. "Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

[kasic_fantasy]

ok i've something here which i think is very lame...

harry potter met a new friend...

harry potter: hi my name is harry...

boy: hi i'm hairless...

i hope you guys get my joke.. :sweat:

[HarmonyCloud]

My dad gave me this joke, its pretty funny:
This man walks on the beach and finds a lamp, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The Genie says, "Oh damn, You're the third person to find me this week! I am sick of giving wishes! That's it! You only get one wish!" The man thinks and thinks and decides, "You know genie I always wanted to go to hawaii, but I am afriad of hights and I get sea sick, Could you build me a bridge to take me to hawaii?" The genie looks at the man, "Are you crazy! You know how much work I would to do if I had to build a bridge! The concreate and the building no! Choose another wish." So the man thinks again and finally says, "Genie, I have been married four times and I have been divorced four times. And each time the wife tells me I am too innsensitive that I don't understand their needs. As my wish, I want to understand women." The genie replied, "Do you want the bridge to have one lane or two?"

[CybOrKoTiC]

who is Johnny Walker? US's Ah Beng?
:?

Johnny Walkers is an alcoholic drink, for those that didnt know, and for those
do...keep on walking...



Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

[jaychou_21]

Two men who died at the same day met in heaven.
"What is the cause of your death?,"the first guy asked.
"Extreme cold,"he replied."And what about you?"
"I came home from work and overheard my wife talking to a man.In a jealous rage,
I searched all over the house but couldn't find anyone.I felt so guilty about
my behavior that my heart failed."
"If you'd have thought to open the fridge,"said the other man,"neither of us would be here."

[lilanjel]

ok this is a pretty lame joke buh me and my friends r easily entertained so we found this quite funny... ahhahz

Q: y did the girl fall of the swing??



A: coz she had no arms..

pretty lame eh? i dun think its been posted yet...