The official JOKES thread (keep it clean, read 1st post)

[jay_is_cute]

i have one! i have alot st. peter ones actually cuz my english teacher always tells them.

one day a couple died and they were at the gates to heaven. before they went into heaven, they had a question. so they asked st. peter, "can we get married in heaven? because we're really in love right now and want to get married."
st peter replies, "lemme go check"
3 months later st peter returns, and confirms that they can get married in heaven. then the couple asks, "do you know if we can get divorced in heaven? cuz in these 3 months, we've been thinking: what if we fall out of love?"
st peter, outraged, replies, " i spent 3 months looking for a priest and now you want me to find a lawyer?!"

:bleh: i hope you guys get it.

[coolieteen]

I find all these jokes so interesting. I love Karens Rhino one. haha. You guys are so lucky that you get jokes from forwarded messages. I don't get any. If anyone has good jokes, could you please send them to me at undacuvahotchick@hotmail.com.

Thanks

- coolieteen

[cici bebe]

I love this one. :D

Differences between men and women
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon
you and I need to clean up
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we dont do laundry right now!!!

What a man hears
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

----------------------------------------

This is hilarious. :laughing:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along,
too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the
BMW. The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and
it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head
in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the
most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"My God!" screamed the lawyer..........."Where's my Rolex?"

[seaweedpatchkid]

I got this from my cousin and I did a search to see if it would come up and it didn't. This is from www.bathroomlife.com

Not for those who puke easily or those who just ate. Then again I just find it kinda funny.



It's uh..."dirty," to say the least.



The Poop Name List


The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

[akane_chou]

:lolabove: hilarious...

okay... this is yet another singaporean one... but i think you'd get it...

Phua Chu Kang, a contractor is talking to Aloysius about sex.
A : Uncle Chu Kang, why do people have sex?
CK: Aiya...it's like digging your nose... you dig dig dig, very fun right?

A : who enjoys sex more? the man or the woman?
CK: when you dig your nose? which one feels better? your nose or your finger?
A : nose.

A : why when women have period, they dont wanna have sex?
CK: when your nose is bleeding, you wont want to dig anymore right?

i dunno if you get it...i have a rooster one somewhere... just lost it... sorry...

[cool181]

this is the 1st time i post at here hope...this 1 havent post before~~
i think quite funny because almost the true~~:happy:


>>Subject: 6 weeks....6 months....6 years.....


>>6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
>>6 months : Of course I love U.
>>6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?


>>Back from Work:
>>6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
>>6 months : BACK!!
>>6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??


>>Gifts:
>>6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
>>6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
>>6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something


>>Phone Ringing:
>>6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
>>6 months : Here, for you.
>>6 years : PHONE RINGING.


>>Cooking:
>>6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
>>6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
>>6 years : AGAIN!!!!


>>Apology:
>>6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
>>6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
>>6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??


>>New Dress:
>>6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
>>6 months : You bought a new dress again???
>>6 years : How much did THAT cost me?


>>Planning for Vacations:
>>6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
>>6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
>>6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???


>>TV:
>>6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
>>6 months : I like this movie.
>>6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself

[sundae]

oMG these jokes are so funny i almost read thru all of em too good la

Q whats the difference between a porcupine and a bmw

A with porcupines the pricks are on the outside

ouCH hehe no offense to beemer owners this was told to me recently

[coolieteen]

lol These are hilarious!

Here's one I got in a text from a friend.


Q. What is the difference between your school marks and your undies?


A. Your undies have more marks.
lol

[jaychou_21]

I got this one from Friendster and I find it silly but hilarious. :bleh:
Go on and read it:

I recall my first time with a condom....I was 16 or so.I went in to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,"No."
So she unwrapped the package,took one out,and slipped over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused so, she looked all around the store.
It was empty.She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand,she led me into the back room,unbuttoned her blouse,and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so DUMB-STRUCK that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on,she dropped her skirt,removed her panties,and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.It was so wonderful that,unfortunately,I could no longer hold back and.....
POW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

:laughing: Stupid,isn't it? :lolabove:
:bleh:

[mrazfan4ever]

Lol, that is so disgusting and funny! I will never look at a thumb the same way again...hahahah!

[princessKitty]

Oh my goodness!!that is quite disgusting. Hmmm.....I have one.........

There were three people, A,B and C. they were all going to be executed.
A goes up on the platform, places his head. the man said 'Ready, Steady....' then A shouted out 'Earthquake!!!' and everyone looked around and he got away with it.

B goes up on the platform 'Ready, Steady.......' then B shouted out 'hurricane!!!' and everyone looked around and he got away with it.

Then C thinked and said 'hmmmm, thats a good idea, i am going to do that'
so he went up 'Ready, Steady...' and C shouted out 'FIRE'

Get it? :brows:

I Called then A, B and C but when you tell your freinds and family, you can replace those to peoples names that you know like your brother or someting.

[mrazfan4ever]

Here's a joke that I have!! I heard it from a friend...it's quite cute, lol.

The 7 dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy.....



So Happy stepped out.

[coolieteen]

These are all so funny!
I have one of those Bartender ones. It's not as good as all your ones though!

Ok so a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails!, "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled, "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[liwei_jay]

:lolabove:
hahahahaha..
i can't stop laughing at the jokes posted here..
although i muz agree that quite a few pages of it are very dirty jokes.. :shifty:
and some which r racists too.. :glug:
anyways..
since there's been a long time since a joke is being posted..
here's mine.. :wave:
dun worry.. it's not repeated one..
cuz i've read from page 1 to current.. and dun see this joke..
it's not really very funny..
but i guess it would be a start to liven thing up back in here.. :wink2:
enjoy..

CONVERSATION BETWEEN KOTEX AND CONDOM
CONDOM TELLS KOTEX:- Do u knw that when u start work i'm out of job for 1 week???
KOTEX:- U liar!!! When u make one STUPID mistake, i'll be out of job for 9 months..
---------------------------------------------------------------------

kid :- Mum, i want to wear a bra!!

Mum:- Cannot!!!

kid :- But mum, i'm 15 already!!

Mum:- Cannot!!

kid :- But mum, sis wore it when she was 15!

Mum:- I SAID CANNOT!! U STUPID BOY...

:bleh:
__________________________________________________ __________

The organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was in charge.

Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain.......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood... I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs....... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole...I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.


All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately
slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and
cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to
ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became
unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision
became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned
the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the
asshole be in charge.

Moral of the story:
No matter who you are, or how important
you think
you are,you will find that
it is always the ASSHOLE that is
in charge......

:D hope u guys catch the joke..

[sleepin'tom]

A friend of mine showed me this. A perfect abs workout. Not sure whether this had been posted though..

Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr.Saw Lee : Yes, you can speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Mr. Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan : You are so rude! Who are you?
Mr. Saw Lee : I'm Saw Lee.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

[hamtaro]

A friend of mine showed me this. A perfect abs workout. Not sure whether this had been posted though..

Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr.Saw Lee : Yes, you can speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Mr. Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan : You are so rude! Who are you?
Mr. Saw Lee : I'm Saw Lee.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

LOL.. :lolabove: This is funny.. I read a similar type of jokes before.. But it's in chinese.. It always made me laugh till stomach pains :roll:

[sleepin'tom]

A company, feeling it was time for a shapeup, hires a new CEO.

The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive
workers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a
wall and relaxing.

The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this
guy.

The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make
a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make
$300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!".

Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves. Feeling pretty good
about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and
asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker
belonged to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the
Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."

-----

After reading this, I know what to work as after my national exams :lolabove:

[iMisSuoO]

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!

[stitchphil]

"Scary" Ghost Story

**Day 1**

The story takes place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar and revolved around a young man named John. John is working as a general worker. During one day, the whole was requested to work OT in order to meet a deadline tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was already past 1 am and John was the last person left in the office.

He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked up and rushed towards the bus stop. John waited for about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to catch a cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He immediately waved it down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a frail ghastly looking old woman.

The old woman was dressed in white samfoo and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or “Ma Jie” as they were commonly known then. John felt uneasy upon seeing her and was about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” It was the old woman. Her comment sent a chill through John’s bones and he figured that the upper deck might be “dirty”. He decided to heed the old woman’s advice and grab a seat at the lower deck even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence.

It was an freaky 20 minutes journey before John reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and turned to steal a quick glance at the bus and he saw the old woman staring right back at him by the window. John hastened his pace and was fortunate to reach home safely.

**Day 2**

The next day, our poor John was requested to work OT and ended up being the last person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again when the old woman called out to him, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a certain fear inside him since it’s the 7th month. To be safe, he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with no incidents.

**Day 3**

The third day, John was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling drained and worried as he didn’t want to repeat the same process again. But he obliged nevertheless since it’s his work. He was, you guessed it, the last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked. The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.”

John was fed up with the old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. John's heart began pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30 minutes, with nothing happening, John went downstairs to confront the old woman and asked her why she kept saying it’s dangerous upstairs. The old woman turned, stared at him and replied,

“Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver.”

[HarmonyCloud]

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthousiastically to her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find



a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and
she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and
I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him,
"None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the
teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one
bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not
the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you
think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three
women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is
just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is
shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which
one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher,
"but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced
casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the
ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

[WinterSnow]

Oh my goodness!!that is quite disgusting. Hmmm.....I have one.........
There were three people, A,B and C. they were all going to be executed.
A goes up on the platform, places his head. the man said 'Ready, Steady....' then A shouted out 'Earthquake!!!' and everyone looked around and he got away with it.
B goes up on the platform 'Ready, Steady.......' then B shouted out 'hurricane!!!' and everyone looked around and he got away with it.
Then C thinked and said 'hmmmm, thats a good idea, i am going to do that'
so he went up 'Ready, Steady...' and C shouted out 'FIRE'
Get it? :brows:
I Called then A, B and C but when you tell your freinds and family, you can replace those to peoples names that you know like your brother or someting.


i don't get this joke.....:cry: why fire ??? i want to know .....:glug: please explain ...

[crazygiggles13]

i don't get this joke.....:cry: why fire ??? i want to know .....:glug: please explain ...

bahahaha!!! nice joke!!!..
i think its cuz C's being executed by firing squad...so fire!! haha..get it?
as in...he's telling them to kill him now!

hahaha

[jayluva1]

four highschool dudes went to a school reunion.
the 4th hsd went to the bathroom.
the 3 started to talk about their sons.
hsd1: i am so proud of my son. he is so successful. he gave his friend an 8million dollar house.
hsd2: my son was too successful he gave his friend a yatch.
hsd3: my son won the lottery and gave his friend 3 million dollars.
the fourth hsd came back and overheard them talking about their sons.
hsd4: my son unfortunetly is not successful. he is gay and works at a gay strip club.
hsd3: how sad.
hsd4: not really he owns an 8 million dollar house, a yatch, and 3 million dollars given by his last 3 boyfriends.

[beach gurl]

A Letter to Dad

A father passing by his Son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.It was addressed to "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings,tattoos, and er tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dream too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Justin
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!!

[princessKitty]

i don't get this joke.....:cry: why fire ??? i want to know .....:glug: please explain ...

Fire is also another word for go? Ready, steady FIRE!!!You know like in a war, and the commander commands his soldiers, 'Ready, steady FIRE!'

The other 2 people said other diasters like hurricane and earthquake but then C says fire thinking that will distract other people's attention but of course, when he said 'fire' meaning 'go' the axe has already killed him. Get it now?:wink2:

I have another Joke.

John is looking for a job, his friend Sarah's boss is looking for someone to be a cleaner. So Sarah says to John, My boss is looking for someone, maybe you can come along to the interview?John agrees and goes along with Sarah to the interview. The boss goes to him 'Ok John, I will give you a small test, whatis 2x2?John says 'errrrr.2? Then Sarah shouts NO NO, please give him one more time. The boss says, 'ok, John, what is 2x2?' 'eeeerrrrrrr, 6?' Sarah shouts' NO NO, just one more time please?!?':cry: So the boss goes 'ok, just one last time, John, what is 2x2? John says '4?' Sarah shouts 'NO NO!'

Get it?:brows:

[pucca girl]

There were three men that was about to be executed...

so the first man no1 went first

'Ready aim...' and the man no 1 says 'tornado! tornado!', everyone looks around and man no1 ran and got away.

So next its man no2

'Ready aim...' and man no 2 says 'earthquake, earthquake', everyone looks around and man no2 runs and gets away.

Man no3 thought that 'wow, thats a good idea' and he thought he caught on the idea.....

So next man no3

'Ready aim...' and man no3 says 'FIRE'

GET IT!!

[princessKitty]

Pucca_grilThat was my joke!I said that already. :laughing:

Never Mind.

Here is another joke:

Sarah and John is walking along a boot sale market where they see three brains on sale, Brain A, brain B and brain C. So Sarah and John goes up to the owner and says 'How much for an A brain?' The owner says '£5 £5 (British sterling). then they ask, 'how much for a Brain B? '£10 £10!, 'Ok, how much for a brain C?' '£20! £20'. Confuffled, Sarah and John asks the owner, 'Why is brain C more expensive?' the owner Replies 'Because it is hardly used'
:brows:

[pucca girl]

Smarties and Rolo were in a pub, having a drink.

And Rolo says to smarties

'I wish I was like you smarties, hard on the outside but soft on the inside. Unlike me, I'm soft all over, thats why I get picked on so easily'.

Smarties in return says

'Dont worry Rolo! Anyone that bullies you, I would stick up for you!'

Just then Lockets walked in......and Smarties quickly hid behind the counter. As usual, poor Rolo gets picked on and bullied.

After lockets left the bar, smarties gets up from behind the counter. Rolo says to Smarties 'Some friend you are! You said you would stick up for me!'

In reply Smarites says ' You must be kidding, He's MENTHOL'

Get it!

[beach gurl]

For all the JC netter above 25s.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

BONUS:
When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened?

[princessKitty]

I have a really funny joke, it's quite long though but read it, it is very good!
If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will.


Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She
loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carry on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her
car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her hus band and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,
I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated
herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfol d from his wife ,
the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then
went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more tim es with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

:roll::roll:

[stephanie_jayrox]

John is looking for a job, his friend Sarah's boss is looking for someone to be a cleaner. So Sarah says to John, My boss is looking for someone, maybe you can come along to the interview?John agrees and goes along with Sarah to the interview. The boss goes to him 'Ok John, I will give you a small test, whatis 2x2?John says 'errrrr.2? Then Sarah shouts NO NO, please give him one more time. The boss says, 'ok, John, what is 2x2?' 'eeeerrrrrrr, 6?' Sarah shouts' NO NO, just one more time please?!?' So the boss goes 'ok, just one last time, John, what is 2x2? John says '4?' Sarah shouts 'NO NO!'


:? I dun get this.... help me? :cry:

anyways.... i think i might have 1 here that should be funny enuff...

ok..here it goes...

Once there lived 3 guys named- Manners, Trouble, and Shut Up...
So, one day they decided to go out for a movie... but suddenly Manners got a stomache... and went 2 the toilet...
While he was in the toilet, Shut Up and Trouble got bored... So they decide to play hide n seek... Shut Up said to Trouble " why don't you hide and i'll seek.."
Trouble said "Ok, sure no problem...but no peeking."
So Shut Up started 2 count... "1, 2, 3, 4..." then he stopped to peek but when he turned around he couldn't see Trouble so he decide to start to find him... While he was looking for him, he met a policeman...
The policeman asked him... "What is your name, Son?"
he replied... " Shut Up Sir!!" :bleh:
The policeman got annoyed.. n asked.. " Are you looking for trouble?"
he replied..."Yes!Yes!"
now the policeman got angry... n said... " Where's your manners?"
Shut Up replied... "Oh... He's in the toilet!":brows:

[Wendy]

I got this one from an email:


Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan
was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital,
then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious
but
I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!


I don't know if this has been posted before, so pls feel free to delete if such post already exist. :wink2:

[Rurouni[X]]

lol thats just weird
Thehre are actually sites for this?
isznt this kinda sad and degrading.. and bad haha
i mean wtf..
Its like.. i dont even want to KNOW what sickos go on these things..
Anyway my Joke

One day God says to Saint Peter
"Heaven is kinda getting full.. Only let people in if they had a bad day"
So saint peter turns to the soul of a man and says
"Sorry heaven is getting full. I can only let you in if you've had a bad day and a bad death"
So that man says "Well. Today i came home from work early because i think my wife was cheating on me. and i live on the 25th floor in a big multi storey apartment. When i got home sure enough my wife wasnt wearing much and she looked ruffled so i searched the house. I couldnt find anyone so i looked out on the balcony. When i look down theres this guy hanging onto my balcony so i get angry and start kicking his fingers so he lets go and falls. He doesnt let go so i run inside and get my hammer and start hammering his hands.. he couldnt take much of that so he let go. but he landed after a whole 25 storeys into a hedge and didnt die. so i rolled out my fridge and dropped it off the balcony onto him.. Then i had a heart attack and died"
Saint peter nods and says " Yes that is a bad day. You may go in"
So he goes into heaven. and Saint peter says the the second person the same thing. Heavens full blah blah blah whats ur story?
and the man says " Well i live on tahe 26th floor. today while doing my Yoga i accidently fell off my balcony.. but luckly enough i caught onto the railings of the balcony underneath mine. so i hang there all day waiting for help. when suddenly this guy peers down and i think im saved. But he starts kicking my hands!!! it hurt but i couldnt let go. Tthen he runs off and comes out with a Hammer.. i couldnt take much of that so i drop down a whole 25 storeys abit dazed but still alive.. Tthen this fridge comes from no-where and drops on me."
And saint peter says.. yeah that does suck. you may go in.
The saint peter turns the to third person and asks him the same thing
Heavens full tell me about ur day etc.
The third man stops and thinks abit.. and says this
"Imagine this......... Your hiding in a fridge"

^^" haha lame.. sorry

haha stephanie jayrox. ive heard a similar one
Shutup, Manners and shit are playing hide and seek in the toilet.
Troube was seeking and he had already found Shutup so he was waiting outside.
Then a policeman comes and says
"Whats your name?"
"Shutup!"
"I beg ur pardon whats your name?"
And he replies "Shutup!"
"Son where are your manners?"
"In the toilet looking for shit!"

[Cai_Niao]

erm ur meant to keep it clean... ur not meant to swear... u know that right?

[cryystal-]

wendy, How do you pronounce the noel wan in the joke? Haha, is it mean to be no one? If so, where's the " EL "? I'm slightly confused >.<

[5uon]

Condoleeza Rice came in to Bush’s office and said “Sir, 2 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq today.” George replied, “Holy Jesus! This is terrible. How am I ever going to tell the American people about this one?!”
She ponders about his strange over-reaction for a minute, then leaves.
George then turns to his secretary and says, “How much is a brazillion?”

[jocsim]

I'm going to tell 2 jokes

One day,Ah Bang bought a new car and wanted to show to his girlfriend,Ah Lian.When Ah Bang saw Ah Lian,he was very excited while telling her that he bought a new car.And also said that the car that he bought is a racing car and could ran even fater than the racing.So Ah Lian was happy too hearing what Ah Bang said and asked whether she could try the car.Ah Bang agreed with her and Ah Lain got into the car and started driving it.A few minutes later,the car suddenly reversed and bang a lamp post.When Ah Bang saw it,he was very shocked....Ah Lian then came out from the car and apologized to Ah Bang while explaining..."Eh~sorry ah,i thought when pushing the "R" is for racing,so i try loh and who knows the car bang into the lamp post!".After that,Ah Bang fainted.

Lol,get it??
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So next joke is: Ah Lian,Ah Bang's girfriend,went shopping at the departmental store.She wanted to buy a girl's stocking(i dont know how to say that,sorry)but couldnt find it anywhere.She went to ask a salesgirl who stood there.Ah Lian approached to the salesgirl and asked her in details because she didnt know how to say it,"Eh~accue me,do you have stocking till the knee one??".After hearing what Ah Lian asked,the salesgirl then answered Ah Lian back while showing her,with some hokkien language"Eh...stockings are below the leg,MANA WU TILL KNEE(means breasts in hokkien) EH??"Ah Lian then paused for a moment,didnt say anything and went off.

[5uon]

wow i am so lost...
could you explain your joke jocsim?
does it have something to do with their names?

[Pao-Pao]

Guys I love love this thread and I'll be posting in here often these days...markie I loved your joke haha lol....well I found this in a web site I like...it's really funny....here's the link: http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_154.htm

This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[5uon]

omg paola that was hilarius i seriously was laughing
i dont see why it would be a real life story but its a pretty good joke anyway xD

[kwonsang26]

k i got dis one from my frd..itz reallie reallie sick..so if u cant take it then dont read it~
k once there were 3 homeless men..they came by a house owned by a woman who likes sex...they all asked her if she could provide them food and shelter...the woman told them she can let them stay and provide the food if only they have sex with her..the first 2 men said no way...but the thrid man said ok...so the woman brought him to her house...and then the man went up stairs wif her...and told her to put a blindfold on..so it would be more exciting..so the woman did..then he went down to the fridge and found some sasuages..and den know wat happens ;)....when he was done he threw the sauages ooutside the window...the next day he was leaving..and when he went outside he found the other 2 men sleeping on the grass...the 2 men said to him..."thx for the delicious sasuages...great seasoning too~!"
k i noe that is pretty disgusting..but yea...i dun find it funni i find it digusting..lol
Oh my,I heard a similar joke to this one but it was with 3 hungry soldiers & the soldier didn't use sasuages,but corn on a cob.When the soldier came outside.His buddies thanked him for the pickled corn.:bleh:

The Lonely Lady

Oneday,there was a lonely lady who was listening to the radio.

The DJ asked all the lonely ladies out there if they would like a man that would never hit them,never leave them,& at the same time be a great lover???

The lonely lady decided to call in & said that she wanted a man like that.

So about 30 minutes later,the doorbell rung.

She opened the door & it was an attractive man with no arms & no legs.

She was terrified & ask "are you from the radio station?!"

And he said "Well,I have no arms so I can't hit you & I have no legs so I can't leave you."

Then she ask,"How are you going to be a great lover?!"

Then the man said,"B*tch,how do you think I rung the doorbell."

Sorry if it seemed to dirty,but I tried to keep it as clean as possible lol.

Hope you guys enjoyed it.^^ :wave:

[pumpkin21]

thought this was too funny not to share.. haha tried to search if it was posted before but didn't see it.. enjoy! =)


1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F*ck You" and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop *****ing about the cold right now you're going to be *****ing about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet...kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things...like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "No, shes not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile...then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say "No, its just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream "Stop crying you f*cking baby!" Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

22. Titty twisters...and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Two words...Dutch Oven.

25. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call. <----- my personal fave ^_^

27. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny

[5uon]

wow i was laughing so hard when i read that, pumpkin21 but it does seem a bit mean xD

[centong]

I have a joke...
There is a couple and they have a son. One day their dog bites the son's shoe and the son gets really angry. At night before he goes to bed, the son prays to GOD and he said:" Our GOD in heaven, bless my parents always and avoid them from any harm but I'm so angry with my dog cos he bite my favorite shoe and I wish it dead, Amen." The parents accidentally heard the pray. And the next morning, they found out that their dog is dead.
After couple days, they have a cat. But the cat scratched the son favorite comic book and the son cries and at night before the son go to bed, he pray to GOD and he said:”Our GOD in heaven, bless my parents always and avoid them from any harm but I’m really angry with my cat cos he destroy my comic book and I want it dead, Amen.” This time the parents over heard from the door. And the next morning they found out their cat is dead.
After couple days the son asks the father, he said:” Dad, last month you promise me that you want to take me to the zoo. Can we go on Sunday?” The father said:”I’m sorry son, I have an appointment on Sunday.” The son gets upset and at night before he go to bed, he pray to GOD again, he said:”Our GOD in heaven bless my mom and avoid her from any harm. I won’t pray for my dad because I’m angry with him cos he didn’t keep his promise, Amen.” This time the parents heard the pray and the father really get scared.
Next morning, the father wake up and he remember the son’s pray and he said to himself that he must really careful try to avoid anything that can make him dead. So he drives his car to his office really slow only 60km/h, he walks slowly, he eats slowly and he does everything that day very slowly. In the afternoon he comes back from his work and he found that he still alive so he shares with his wife and he said:” You don’t believe what I’m going through today, it really stressed me. I drive slowly, I walk slowly, I eat slowly, and I just do everything slowly cos I’m afraid I’m going to die. How’s your day by the way?”
And the wife said:” My day is worst; you won’t believe what happen this morning. This morning when I want to get milk from the milk delivery man, I found that he is dead in front our door.”
Get it? So the son’s father is the milk delivery man hahaha.....:shock:

No more jokes posted here anymore? well, I'll share some....

1. Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.

2. Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

3. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

4. A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
husband was stunned for a while but then smiled

" It really works ! "

5. Good Person : Its YOU
Good Friend : Its YOU again
Good Heart : Thats YOU !
Good Will : Its also YOU !
Good Looking Ahh....
hold it. Its 2 much 4 u..... Now its ME

6. I saw u on road today.
U were lukin so fine,
ur face so divine,
ur walk so perfect.
My heart started singing a sweet song:
Who Let The Dog Out!

7. When I was born
SHAITAN said
"OH, **** ANOTHER GOOD
SOUL ON EARTH."
When U were born
SHAITAN said,
"OH ****, COMPETITION."

8. Life is small, live it!
Love is short, enjoy it!
Anger is injurious, dump it!
Troubles r momentary, face it!
Memories r sweet, cherish it!
I m too good, Admit it!

9. A friend is
1% FUNNY
2% SWEET
3% CARING
4% LoVING
90% GOOD LOOKING
That's why I am your friend.

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

EMma come first, den I come. Den two asseS come together. I come
once-a-more!
Two asseS, they come together again. I come again and Pee twice. Then I
come one lasta time.

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig" she retortedindignantly. "In this country, we don't speak
aloud on public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Who's talking
abouta sex?"
"I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell MISSISSIPPI"

I so bet you're gonna read this again!

[jocsim]

Here's one that i want to share...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If
my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a
hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so
he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the
nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered
breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and
get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope........ . just when it's raining".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another one...

Mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two more cold jokes that i want to share too, ok it's kind of short anyway, really short...

There are 2 boys who were bestfriend, one named 'Hee Hee' and another named 'Ha Ha'. So one day, 'Ha Ha' suddenly died and 'Hee Hee' went to 'Ha Ha's' grave and mourned. So 'Hee Hee' then walked towards 'Ha Ha's' tombstone and said: 'Ha Ha, your dead.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was one guy who went to see a doctor...
Guy: Doctor, i goes to toilet at 6 in the morning to pass urine, 'doing business' at 7 in the morning...

Doctor: This is normal ah. If you have any problem, please say it out and dont fool around.

Guy: But i wake up at 8 in the morning....


Get it?? Hope no one freeze after reading both of short cold joke. I hope the 2 jokes(above) is not dirty.

[pumpkin21]

these are some funny answers to exam questions..

don't so this on ur next exam!! haha

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/651_7_91_2007.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/TMNT.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/six.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/batman-1.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/curve.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/expand.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/findX.gif

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b28/aeka21/ramp.jpg

[xxf4luvaxx]

pumpikin21

That was so hilarious XDDDD omg hahahah

One day, I was washing my car
my neighbor came up to me and asked me if i wanted a muffin
but i said no.


HAHAHAH OMFG i love that story. it's so bad that it's funny -_-
maybe if you read it , it's not so funny, but when you say it to someone it really is after you stop abruptly liek that :)

[JALYN:D]

Okay, here's one that I heard from my sister, I can't stop laughing when I think of it.

One day, a man, went to heaven. The angels up there asked, "What would you like to be if you recarnate?" He then smiled and said, "I want to be something white, clean, and has wings." With no thought, the man obviously wanted to be a angel. But instead, the angels turned him into a sanitary pad.

LOL @ MY JOKE OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH~ ><

[jocsim]

JALYN- You reminded me of one joke too of which i've heard from last year.

Here...

There was one black man whose walking on the desert for quite few days then. He felt really thirsty and really hope that one genie can really appeared in front of him immediately. Who knows, a genie really appeared in front of him and as usual, he would grant the man 3 wishes. So the man wish that he could have lots of water to drink, first. And then, he wanted to be white . And thirdly, his mind suddenly gone 'dirty' and wished that he could see people's buttocks everyday. The genie then immediately granted him the 3 wishes and guess what the genie turned the man into??
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Toilet bowl
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Another one...

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."