Extramarital affairs - Who's at fault?

[laruku]

I was watching this variety show where they asked artistes this question:

If the wife/husband had an extramarital affair, is the husband/wife at fault too?

So I became interested in what the rest of us think.

I believe everything has two sides. The primary fault should lie with the party which deviated. He/she is unable to control impulses or remain faithful to the spouse, which shows the party's lack of willpower or lack of love for the spouse even.

BUT, if the affair is really due to love for the third party and the diminished love for the spouse, I believe that the 'deviant' should make it clear to the spouse and divorce before going into the new relationship. It's at least fair to the spouse.

Instances where the spouse might be at fault, so to speak, is probably the lack of communication or rather that the spouse may not be actively, or returning efforts of communication. Imagine you go home and try to strike up a conversation with your spouse but he/she just seems uninterested or always talk about themselves and their problems, without allowing you to voice yours. Or if you go home and want to get cosy with them and the constantly rejects all your tries. For me, I believe the affected partner will have a higher tendency to deviate.

But no matter who's in the wrong, I believe you must settle one relationship before officially starting another. 'Officially' because you'd already have deviated if you fell in love with someone else.

BUT if its just a sexual / monetary transaction, screw these people. :-x

What do you guys think???

[ftlouiea]

Lol Laruku, I think you covered everything that could possibly be said on this topic!

Anyway, for everything done, there would be a background underlying factor, short term cause and the trigger.
Whenever people start affairs like stated, even if they say that "she came onto me and I couldn't reject", that cannot justify the wife/ husband. After all, a person can control what they want to happen, and in those situations, no less.

Well, same thing, people who fall out of love in a marriage are perfectly fine to start a new relationship, as long as the old relationship has been terminated, clearly. But from what I've interpreted, the title "affairs" means that the marriage is supposedly intact, or at least it appears to be for the friends and family.

Take Diana/ Charles/ Camilla. Charles and Camilla, having declared their marriage for later this year, surely it would have harmed a lot less people if they had made their marriage vows in the first place, first time. Having married Diana, Charles did say those vowels that would mean loyalty and such. When asked whether he remained loyal during the marriage, his only reply was "only until the point when our relationship went cold" (or something along the same lines). Well surely, people should give their marriages a few go's right? So the implication that, Hey, the instance I feel left out in my marriage, I'll go looking for a new partner, yes? Well no, sometimes people take these marriage vowels way too lightly. It's always possible for a couple to rekindle their love. Affairs just wipe away those chances instantly, no?

[petricia]

lol... ftlouiea i agree with your comment abt laruku ...

well... seriously... i really seldom think that it is always the fault of one when something like that happens. I always tell my friends.. communicate before it is too late... i really feel that it is really lack of communications that led to other things... and one more thing that i agree with laruku is, "PLEASE end one relationship before you officially begin another one... " in this way, it is at least fairer to another party...

[laruku]

Haha. I did? It's ok if there are repeated opinions. Just say it!! Hur hur.

Does anyone think that it's a one-sided problem? That is, the fault entirely lies with either side??

It'd be interesting to see the viewpoint of people who think so really. :winkz:

[ViBi]

Does anyone think that it's a one-sided problem? That is, the fault entirely lies with either side??



it would be a one sided problem if one spouse was very "fa shum" (its in canto.. dont know how to put it in english... its kinda means always looking for other people.. i hope u understand) and despite, the love and communication from the other spouse, decides to look for different partners to satisfy their needs, either sexual or whatever.... then, i think, it completely lies at fault with one partner...

but i dont think that is a situation that would occur often. as u guys have said, there has to be a trigger and that trigger is usually a lack of communication. these things are usually simply too complex to have one party to blame it on.. plus, when these sorts of problems occur, i think it is usually an accumulation of many little problems on both parties, and then it becomes a big problem.

ultimately, i think the biggest fault is that people do take their marriage vows too lightly these days... i mean, sure when they get married they say "til death do us part"... but how many people nowadays had truly considered the severity of what that line means before they say it??? its agreeing to be loyal to someone for ur WHOLE LIFETIME..thats a long long time.... plus, to be able to tolerate another person for ur whole lifetime is a very very hard thing to do....

i mean, even if jay asked me to marry him... i would take a long time to consider it... [hahaha would i really???? :shifty: ] i mean, i dont ever want there to be anything besides satisfaction and happiness in my marriage, especially third parties... i dont want to get divorced or anything....

[piglet]

lol... ftlouiea i agree with your comment abt laruku ...

well... seriously... i really seldom think that it is always the fault of one when something like that happens. I always tell my friends.. communicate before it is too late... i really feel that it is really lack of communications that led to other things... and one more thing that i agree with laruku is, "PLEASE end one relationship before you officially begin another one... " in this way, it is at least fairer to another party...

i agreed that the lack of communication is usually the main course of any other things..i have heard of two cases of extramaritial affairs..both are because of communication problem..and another lame reason..the feeling is not there.. :wacko: come on..maintaining a marriage is not easy..but once you are into it..you have to be resonsible for all your actions..find out where the problem lies and sort it out if possible..don't accept any other relationship if you are still clinging on one..its not fair to either parties..here where communication takes place again..talk and sort it with your partner..and at least you try...even if it is not sucessful..it is not too late to end..once you have ended and both sides agreed to this ending..only then you can have another relationship..i feel that its better to work this way..than to find out your love one is having extramaritial affairs.. :oops: it will be hurtful..*sob sob..lolzz..

[seaweedpatchkid]

Lack of communication is always a big factor in all of it.

Apparently, when you first look at it without thinking about it, it's seems pretty obvious as to who is at fault. It's always the one that's unfaithful, right?

Personally, I've always believed that there was more to that. Sure, sometimes it can just be one person's fault. However, more often than not, it's both that are at fault. If a person just no longer cares for his/her spouse or is no longer in love...I suppose it's not entirely both parties' fault. I would never encourage a person to change to fit their spouse's or anyone else's lifestyles.

There is also the case of the cheating spouse. Some have psychological problems and some have other problems. Some have sexual problems at home or what not or don't feel comfortable, don't like it, not good enough...those things are usually lack of communication and both parties are to blame.

There's always marriage counseling. But how often do people go to that?

Extramarital affairs...always unfair. :/

[scarletwillow]

To be quite honest, I place blame on the person who commits the affair.
There are many ways to get past this sort of thing--one way to do so, for example, is to tell the truth, tell your feelings. Don't like someone anymore, end it.
I know that's a load of BS that I can say here sitting happily in my chair (naked), but it's a hell of a lot better than going through an affair.

I've been through a relationship where I was NOT happy at all, from the beginning, and I will say that it's hell. It's even worse when you compound in that the person you're involved with REALLY, REALLY likes you. But I know now, from experience, that if you don't stop it early, you're in for some serious problems later.

ultimately, i think the biggest fault is that people do take their marriage vows too lightly these days... i mean, sure when they get married they say "til death do us part"... but how many people nowadays had truly considered the severity of what that line means before they say it??? its agreeing to be loyal to someone for ur WHOLE LIFETIME..thats a long long time.... plus, to be able to tolerate another person for ur whole lifetime is a very very hard thing to do....

That's because people are impulsive and stupid these days. Those are the people who cycle emotions every hour. I don't believe in the holiness or sanctity of marriage (for example, I don't think marriage should be a barrier in love), but it does signify a sort of validity in relationships to me.

In any case, affairs = bad. Peh.

[Vicluva]

I blame the person who has the affair. Even if there is a lack of communication/etc, there's nothing stopping the deviant from divorcing the spouse before getting involved with someone else. That is, of course, if they're not under circumstances that bind them to their spouse forever :glug: That's what divorce is there for, to break off marriages that don't work out.

No matter what the other spouse did, it was still the person's choice to have an affair. So, yes, affair=bad.

[snowflake]

Sometimes it is very hard to say whom at fault, especially in relationships :oops: . I agreed that people nowadays take things too lightly, especially when it comes to marriage. Divorce became so common that people who are married for 50 years can get divorce too :cry:
I think it depends on the situation of how it happened. We should judge it on a case by case basic rather then to over generalize that all that cheated on spouse are the bad ones (though sometime it is the true.) :whistle:

Anyway wish to share a story with you guys that I read online.
I’m providing a link because the article is very long. It is titled “When you divorce me, carry me out in your arms”. It got both English and Chinese. Please read it, it is a very simple but touching story. :happy:

When you divorce me, carry me out in your arms (http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2004/12/when_you_divorc.html)

[kasic_fantasy]

wow very interesting topic. i feel that both are to be blame :hmm:

firstly, the party who cheated his or her spouse, haha that one obviously its his or her fault. but then i'm sure there must be some reasons that caused him or her to do this...and normally the reason is because of the spouse.

sometimes it just come to a point when both parties had done each other wrong and caused one of them to give up on the relationship.